Relationship Question For Carers About Relationships

[Pixie]

Hi all. :smile:

I hope you don't mind me popping in here to ask a couple of questions as I am really interested in your views. I have been wondering for a long time about information sharing (regarding specific trauma info) in the carer/sufferer relationship.

Is it enough for a carer to simply know about certain triggers and how to deal with symptoms?

If a PTSD sufferer wanted to open up and felt safe enough to do so with you, how do you think that the "knowing" would affect your view and opinions of them?

For those in long term relationships, do you think you would be able to continue to love the sufferer in the same way after the "knowing" or do you think that this information would be enough to derail/destroy your relationship with them?


Pixie

 

[helena]

Hi Pixie,

Okay first off... I love that sufferers post in the carers section and I am always posting in yours anyway!!! (I never knew that I wasn't supposed to so now it is just a habit)

Back to the subject: good question. Personally there are so many layers for me to try to answer your question properly due to the cause of my suffferer's distress but I can assure you that I am desperate for information and for him to talk to me but he rarely does.

I know that he suffered extreme childhood violence - being beaten, burnt, thrown out the house as a young child on the streets, being terrorised by his older brothers as well as beaten in school. All of this has been told to me by other people - never him. He says life was tough but it 'made him a man' - so, in short, he denies the abuse.

Moving to the next stage: army and war. He talks to me more about this but only in relation to the loss of his army 'buddies' and the emotional bond between them (but usually when he is drunk) It has been during 'episodes' that I have gleaned more about what happened to him as well as what he did.... I think the latter has caused him the most turmoil due to guilt and the fear of realising how easy it was for him to kill people.

Do I need him to tell me everything - yes. Without knowing what he has gone through I would never understand his behaviour and could, therefore, never help him through it.

Would it affect how I view him? No. Never. I don't care what he did. He was in a war, he had to do it.

Would I view him as a victim? No. I see him as a survivor, never a victim.

I hope this helps answer your question a little

Helena

 

[ashmarie]

Hi Pixie

I think it's great you are posing this question to carers, I don't mind at all!

As far as the triggers and symptoms go, I am still learning all of my sufferer's triggers and the more I know, the more helpful it is in helping me interact with him and deal with it myself. So yes that is a vital peice of information for the sufferer/carer relationship. Knowing how to deal with the symptoms definately causes less fights between us, therefore less additional stress in him and makes it easier for us to get through. Before I knew how to deal with the symptoms I was always angry at him thinking he was just being rude and a selfish jerk, which I confronted head on and always caused a fight which made him withdrawl more.

Do I have to know everything about his trauma? No, not at all. I welcome anything he chooses to divulge, but if it makes him relive it and trigger symptoms I would much rather not know anything. Fortunately, he has told me most of it (not in great detail) so I feel very honored that he trusts me enough to share with me and let me just hold him when he needs, no words exchanged.

As far as seeing him differently, yes and no. Yes ONLY because when he is triggered and in his low moments, I allow him to treat me in ways that normally I would never let someone get away with, and it makes me more aware and cautious of certain interactions and situations but other than that no. I do not see him as a different person, it doesn't make me pitty him or think of him as any less of a man (my man), he is still a wonderful person and nothing about this condition could ever make me think differently!

And to answer your last question, we are not what you might consider a "long term" realtionship so I don't know if this applies to us, (we have been together for 6 months) but we had been together for 2 months before I knew about his PTSD. Yes it made it hard to deal with, epspecially being a new relationship, but here we are 4 months later, he is coming out of the worst of it and we continue to get closer. I care about him even more just because I see how much easier it could be for both of us to just call it quits but neither of us chose the easy road. We have had to fight for where we have made it, which has made me care about him even more. So i see no reason that PTSD would derail/destroy our relationship.

Hope this helps a little :)

 

[Pam]

While I appreciate the need to know everything, and I may end up doing that, I also am able to deal with the ptsd without knowing everything. I do this by reading about it. And watching military channel programs. I also keep a list of triggers so that I can categorize them and figure out what other triggers to avoid. So as another perspective, I don't need to know everything, even though I wish I did.

 

[ISupportHer]

Pixie,

I will respond more later but I just wanted you to know I have been married 31 years. I am still here. I know that I am only one man and can only speak for myself. I do not think less of her because it is not her fault. Just that simple.

I do hear you in that trusting to share can be a hurdle. I think sharing an awareness of triggers and suggestions about responses are needed. For BOTH to be able to go on.

ISH