The smallest thing makes me angry

[macca]

Hi Shirt37, yeah I get really angry too. I've noticed that a trigger for my anger is when people show a complete lack of awareness of others, which seems to happen a lot when I'm driving, or in crowds. I've always hated crowds, as people just seem to walk right at you and expect you to move, while making no effort themselves. Or people backing out of carparks without even looking behind them before reversing. I get so angry. I realised recently that I may be reacting like this as part of my dislike of being treated like I'm not there, something that happened to me a lot as a child. My family pretty much treated me like I didn't exist a lot of the time, and even just ignored events like when I nearly drowned at 11 years old. I also realised through therapy that I have the deep-down belief that "I don't matter", as a result. I think it's being activated by people showing no awareness of others, and short-term I get angry, and long-term I get depressed. Therapy is helping me though - are you seeing a therapist?

 

[Shirt37]

Macca, Thank you your word strike home. I was seeing a therapist however I could not go along with her treatment plan. I am not digging on her she worked hard and wanted to help but in the end I just was not improving. I live in an area that has little to offer in the Mental Health field. I am currently looking for a new therapist. Thank you again.

 

[macca]

Hey Shirt37, I hope very much that you find a therapist that suits. We don't click with everyone we meet in the "real world", so it seems natural that we don't click with every therapist we meet. I've found a good one, even though it still brings up stuff for me to tell someone this kind of thing, but she seems right for me. Keep trying, there'll be the right one out there for you too.

 

[Shannonstrong]

Promicarus,

I have oredered that book. We had along talk where I learned about text messages to other guys that were being deleted because I would over react...I say BS. unless its something to over react about. Pretty sure I will have a hard to believing anything again. But suddenly she was ineterested in being there... Either way I have the book on the way.

Thank You
Shannon

 

[Promicarus]

At least you're talking! And more importantly, it sounds like she was not only speaking civilly for a change, but with enough respect for you to admit wrongdoing, apparently. That's pretty big. And if she was interested in being there, well that's huge good start!

So glad you ordered the book! Sounds like you've made pretty stupendous progress, for such a short time--gotten a show of respect, gotten her to listen with respect, and she's 'present' for a change! What a turnaround!

Of course it's only a beginning, and has to be followed up with more positive action. But I think more importantly, you successfully "got a win"...got power back. Hope it feels great. You deserve to.

Please keep me posted. I know you'll enjoy the book. Take care.

 

[fyredrift23]

Hi Shirt37,

I, too, have Depression, and I've definitely experienced my share of intense, prolonged anger at, seemingly, nothing at all. Though I seem to be more calm now, a year ago, the slightest thing could set me off. Like some of the others were saying, I learned (later, through therapy) that I had so much hurt and pain built-up inside me from my childhood. It was constantly on the verge of over-flowing. I felt so out-of-control because I would react to a small incident, that really only warranted some minor frustration on my part, with very intense anger and fury.

However, just because I knew my anger was being displaced didn't really help. I had to figure out the root cause of it, you know? And that is something I spent a lot of time working on in therapy (still do!). It was such a huge relief to be able to stop and reflect enough to be able to determine what it was I was really angry at. I hadn't realized how much damage all that bottled-up anger was causing. I'd feel physically exhausted, my muscles were constantly tense and tight. I had trouble sleeping, calming down, relaxing. It was awful! I really feel for you if you're going through this :(

Let me say, though, that it is very perceptive of you to be able to tune-in to how you're feeling and notice what aggravates your Depression. Just being aware that something isn't quite right is a great accomplishment. Many people can't do that! I myself couldn't do that without the aid of my therapist. Bravo! :tup:

I don't want you to think I'm out of the woods yet, though. I still struggle with my anger. Right now, in fact, I think I'm pissed at my therapist, but I'm too afraid to really try to understand why. It may not even really be him that I'm angry at! Lol It's tough for me, and I have to work really hard to feel better. My life can be much more manageable if I could learn to fully experience my emotions and stay mindful of how I feel moment to moment. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you continue to fight the good fight :)

 

[Trapped in Poland]

Would anyone like to offer advice or share similar experiences?

I would. Thank you for asking, @Shirt37. I do not get asked allot about anything much less heard or listened to. So I am looking for a place where I can find like-mined people with whom I can agree or disagree but people who will give me a hearing and a listening. Ideas are more important to me than all the people and things in the world there are to discuss, and this can challenge my ability to articulate - which helps me to grow as a human being no matter whether I eventually come down right or wrong in an argument. Just so long as I am honest with myself and with others.

As a "lost sheep" Freemason, I recall my initiation ending with my brothers holding a full-length mirror for me to stand in front of when my blindfold came off after I was introduced to my worst enemy. I also recall the whole concept of being a brother more than just a "frat colleague." Anyways, Trapped in Poland is a pretty good moniker for who I am: a penniless expat in a foreign culture/language/country where I cannot wrap my head around my constant failure. I may not have been shot at in a foxhole with comrades being blown apart around me but I am no less alone and frightened; and I have had to hole up in my flat to conserve my energy by staying very still in bed for weeks because was nothing but water to consume and no money to buy even a chocolate bar.

I live with a Polish woman now - a pregnant woman - who has fed me and paid the bills for the last 8 years while I failed at one thing after another. I think she likes it that way: the man who cannot get away. We're like oil and water and I am trapped. Of course, I owe her my life. I just do not have to be happy about my life while I serve my sentence for a wrong I did not commit.

Open truth is that I do not have a diagnosis for PTSD. I went to see some doctor here - the stigma of being a mental patient, even though it would be illogical to think the experiences I have survived do not affect my outlook/attitude/thoughts on life and I am normal compared to the average - and this doctor handed me some serious medication without taking so much as a family history. Totally irresponsible!

So I am not a disabled vet and I do not wish to offer any disrespect for diagnosed PTSD afflicted but I come here because I embody every published symptom on The Internet except being shot at. But when you are alone, isolated, in a foreign country; you haven't eaten in several weeks; you're behind rent by a few months; and you're close to 40 but your parents are dead or you would surely, tearfully ask them for help despite being on your own since 16. I think you get the picture.

I came to Poland to look for a specific girl to marry me and be my life partner. I discovered her profile after accessing my strengths and weaknesses combined with my preferences for a female to whom I would be faithful. I had failed to find this woman at home so, logically, I thought to look elsewhere where the fishing might be better: after many years of keeping my eyes open and making many attempts at relationships with women who did not value my strengths and/or were annoyed with my weaknesses at home. To my credit, I knew sex wasn't all there is to a relationship. This went on for a number of years, influenced by a number of factors I did not completely appreciate, until I found myself in a relationship with a woman that became my last straw psychologically.

She was a battlefield doctor from Iran (I rarely dated a woman from home) and diagnosed me with a psychotic episode. I am very fortunate to have met her though we were not meant for each other in any lasting way. This was the first time I was violent and I am completely blank on the incident. I can only rejoice that the person I was with when i had that incident had served in the Iraq-Iran war and was not only unflappable but understanding and a loving type of person. Otherwise, my life may have become a nightmare from that point.

But I had had enough of a frustrated search for someone to love in a two-way relationship and jumped a plane to Poland. All that is to say I arrived here with some pretty major baggage and it was downhill from there. Even now I am with a woman who keeps me alive but plays one-upsmanship with me about her endless stream of bad days that range from silly to someone else's problems to things I consider to be "this will pass too" minor serious. Meanwhile I quietly struggle with my own sanity, trying not to be a victim and trapped without a voice in any case.

How does the saying go about struggling against suicidal thoughts? Something like: every day alive offers a new hope for change. Well, that is how I have had to endure this relationship. I have been out of work for more than 12 years now; and standing at 5'11, 130 pounds plus another unhealthy 15 around my belly at 46 years of age isn't going to help me find work back home either. My vocational discipline has changed so much during my time in Poland that I won't find a job to keep me alive. And, yes, in the back of my mind I still hope I will find the right woman for me to settle down and raise a family. (I know, intellectually, that scenario is now truly f*cked - in the vulgar sense the word conveys. It makes me quite sad.)

So I am trying to be a writer. I can still dream up stories. I used to want to write when I was a kid. I even had an offer from a publisher I did not follow up on at 19. So it is not a complete pipedream to think I could find myself as a successful author at 50 and then be no longer trapped in Poland. Trouble is I am totally alone here and I do not believe the woman I am with is comfortable with me becoming a success. I believe she wants me to remain an abject failure to be honest. Then there is the stress that comes and goes taking my energy with it. I think you might understand how that can raise hell with my writing capability.

And, if I am as honest as I claim, maybe I am afraid to fail again. I am not prone to being afraid of steaming ahead but I have been through so much in Poland. I am a lesser man than when I came and that is saying allot.

What sets me off, @Shirt37?
A loud siren from an emergency vehicle interrupting me. It flips my rage switch. I have uncontrollable violent fantasies that just flush over me. I had never been a violent person prior to my psychotic episode back home. Then there are the more "reasonable" triggers like being cut off in a line, or being slighted, or dealing with that moron I have known all my life but who, now, unwittingly puts his life into my hands. When I feel I am being led down a road I have travelled before and I know how badly that ends - this waste of effort gets me uncontrollably raging.

I am relatively calm right now so triggers are not something I wish to recall. Looking at what I just wrote makes me feel trite. But that is not how I feel when I am in high dungeon. I am glad I am a coward, if I can say that, because if I were not concerned about the consequences of my actions there would be more than a few people dead; me among them.

I think more importantly, you successfully "got a win"...got power back. Hope it feels great. You deserve to.

This is a good point about power I correlate to self-control. I think having the power to control my own destiny is important. When I think about the triggers to my own rage fits, when my dander is up and my blood is pumping, it is because I have no control over those triggers: the siren, the moron, the Troll, the injustice, the waste, my isolation, etc. It's not so much that I do not have a reason for being so angry but more like I have no control on what makes me angry (unlike other non-PTSD persons).

Sorry for such a long post. I have allot saved up. :D I wanted to introduce myself. I am hoping for a place I can fit in. I am hoping that if someday I rail, why the seventh day on the calendar is Saturday but Sunday is observed as the seventh day for example, that there won't be allot of goading posts. Maybe someone might understand me. Maybe someone might even help me see the logic in it all.

Cognitive therapy is what I need. Unfortunately I only have The Internet for it. That's like wandering around in gasoline waist deep holding a lit match for light. It makes me more than a little afraid of where I post. So, naturally, I was drawn here if you can laugh at the irony. (Some days can be more "better" than others.)
- TiP