Triggered right now...

[SeekingAfrica]

I just...I can't... I don't even know in which forum to write or how to talk to a friend because I can't define why I'm feeling as I am. It just certain things make me feel like I'm coming full circle from where I started (my trauma) and today I just... I can't. I just... I'm having a day... It's noon and I'm not working yet. And I'm fine, but not really... I'm just all shaky and anxious and getting tiny flashes of .. it's not like a flashback bit pieces of sensations and chunks of memories and this feeling like I'm not fully present and everything is coming in and out of focus...I'm not making sense, I'm sorry...

 

[PlainJane]

Bad days happen, I'm sorry.

how to talk to a friend because I can't define why I'm feeling as I am

Are you able to reach out anyway? You don't have to have the right words for them to support you, just letting them know you're having a bad day and need them to be present for a bit.

How are you now?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Still not working and my head is spinning with anxiety... I know so many ways to cope yet somehow I can't untangle this right now. ...so yeah, not great, I don't really know where to begin even.

 

[Survivor3]

Sorry your having a bad day. Me too.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Sorry your having a bad day. Me too.

I'm sorry,it sucks, doesn't it?

 

[Survivor3]

I'm sorry,it sucks, doesn't it?

Yep. Unfortunately sometimes there's not alot you can do about it. You just have to accept the feelings that it's a crap day. I mean.Don't get me wrong, if you can snap yourself out of it or make an effort to use grounding techniques or something to make you feel better then great but it's hard especially if your on your own. Sending hugs

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Yep. Unfortunately sometimes there's not alot you can do about it. You just have to accept the feelings that it's a crap day. I mean.Don't get me wrong, if you can snap yourself out of it or make an effort to use grounding techniques or something to make you feel better then great but it's hard especially if your on your own. Sending hugs

Thank you so much! Yes, that's true. I think the grand sum of my total work today might be less than an hour. But it's not about today, it's been getting more often lately and increasing in intensity and that scares me. Especially when I'm looking for work and freelancing in the meantime, and scared of every day I skip.
I have to save enough for a proper checkup (yes, I can go to my GP, but he isn't quite helpful...and neither is my mother reminding me to be careful what I say in front of him as if admitting the truth is shameful). But in the meantime days like this make me feel like a ticking timebomb, so I downloaded few free worksheets/workbooks to work on thought exercises and try to dig into negative thoughts. If I still feel how I feel may talk to one of the crisis lines too.and will try to schedule self care in both morning and evening for few weeks maybe, if it allows me to cope enough to continue job hunting. I just have to find a way to both deal with it and keep function and that's why today scares me so much. If this keeps going I need to find a way to cope,as imperfect as it is in these conditions. But today...well, I'm giving myself a break a bit, since nothing else is helping. As you said,some days are just like that... I just need to make sure not too many are. ..

 

[Survivor3]

Your doing the best that you can.And that's enough. You have a very good attitude and if you need to talk to someone then call the crisis line or Samaritans, it can really help you to have someone to listen to you and talk to you. Best wishes

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Just meditated for 10min trying to avoid being self-destructive instead. It's nothing. But it's something. At least I'm trying. Going to try my usual fanfiction writing that I've been doing whenever I need a place to vent out my bad thoughts. Today is just...too much. Still here. And that's something.

 

[Friday]

Today is just...too much. Still here. And that's something.

Treading water is exhausting, and can feel pointless, when you have places to be, and things to do… but it’s good to remember that the alternative to treading water isn’t only everything being good (and getting to where you want to be)… but IS drowning.

Treading water days can feel simple (not doing what I need/want to be doing! Aaaargh), but they’re more complicated than that. They’re NOT DROWNING. Which is a win. The ability to get to tomorrow.

 

[FauxLiz]

@SeekingAfrica I hear that you are struggling and I want you to know that you can get through this, you are strong and capable, just breathe that is all you need to do today, everything else is secondary.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@Friday and @FauxLiz thank you both for the comments, I was really in the thick of it yesterday and needed all these kind words and reminders.
I got through the day. Not to say today is easier, it's only noon and I already cried my eyes out. The difference is today I will work on adapting to this. It sucks because it feels like it's steps backwards. But better to adapt to this until it passes than to have days like yesterday wondering whether to give up.
One change I'm making is breaking down work(and work adjacent tasks like job applications). For days I couldn't do my usual work style (pomodoros, 25min chunks with 5 min break..), it was getting harder with this state. My solution was to keep ignoring how I was doing,leading at first to productive work with longer and longer breaks. Until the last couple of days even that wasn't enough and my mind would spin and block and panic in front of work. And my debt doesn't allow for many breaks, leading to toxic guilt and this weak feeling...basically, I got caught in all this mess. I couldn't cope. But I can't keep doing such days, yesterday I was so close to being self destructive.

I don't know where I'm going with this and all the steps coping will need.
But today I took decision to start working in 15min chunks with 10min breaks. And whenever I can't work on one type of task to switch to another. Better than yesterday,even if it seems unproductive to some people. I can't keep doing days like yesterday.so I have to adapt.so far the 15min thing is actually working, it's small enough to digest even in this state.
Thank you all!
This forum was really my saving grace yesterday, I fell, I fell hard, and this helped me get through the day.