When Should We Offer Opinions and/or Advice On This Forum?

[Nicolette]

In light of recent threads I am most interested in hearing when people should or should not offer their opinions or advice.

Over my time here I have watched people who post threads react negatively when others do not comment or post in relation to the thread...they feel ignored/left out. Then you have the other extreme where someone creates a thread and lots of people post but it seems the initial posting member is not happy about it because it may not have generated the anticipated outcome.

How do we know when or when not to share opinions and views and instead be polite or not post at all?

Let me give you an example which has not happened on any forum but works for the purpose of my point.......

Unfortunately in the past I have been in a couple of relationships where I did not get treated very well and they turned out badly. I then meet Anthony and things are really good. Anthony and I get on really well and Anthony proposes. I'm on top of the world and happy. I want everyone to be happy for me. Some friends are. Others, who are also really good friends, (believing they are acting in my best interests) question me and challenge me in relation to my decisions...reason being they don't want to see me get hurt again so they said they wanted to play devil's advocate just to make sure I knew what I was doing. None of this was a reflection on Anthony. This makes me feel bad as I was really good being happy but if the tables were turned I'd want to protect my friends and make sure they were really aware of what they were getting in to. In some way it put a dent in my bubble at the time but I just said thanks for wanting to help me and left it at that.

When my really good friends "rain on my parade" rather than being "happy for me" .........is this appropriate or are they out of line as I was only sharing something I was really happy about?

From what I have read on this forum over the last couple of days I think the area of "what is best to do" is very grey and hard to judge from the other side of another computer. I do however believe that the majority of people here post with good intentions. Emotions however don't always go hand in hand with those good intentions :rolleyes:

 

[Marlene]

For me, I believe that if you post a question and ask for advice/suggestions then you open yourself up to whatever others want to post. I've tried to keep my posts, outside of the diary section, about PTSD and its affects in my life. Or questions about 'does this happen to you?' type thing. For the most part anyway. But I've still gotten posts from people that I thought were rude or insensitive or just plain didn't make any sense to me at all. Those I ignored.

But, at the end of the day, we're all adults and we're all responsible for our lives and our decisions. What is good for one person, even if others think it's the worst mistake ever, is still their choice to make. Or not make. We all live with the consequences of our decisions. The easy thing about offering advice is that we don't have to with any consequences if someone does take our advice. It's all on them.

So basically, at least for me, if I don't want to hear something I might not like, I don't ask for advice.

Lisa

 

[Mercy]

Great Question Nicholette.:Hug_emoticon:
I have been wondering/worrying about that. I,m not sure whether using an example from ones own experience constitutes sharing and thus support or whether it seems like advice......:dontknow:

I do agree with Marlene about us all being adults(most of the time DID) and responsible for our own reactions and actions.

I would love some feed back on my own posts because if I have offended anyone or been off the mark, I would like to know so I can do better. :think:

 

[Grama-Herc]

Nicolette,

We don't know when to comment/not comment. That's why this subject is so touchy.

BUT, we all need to remember---Any time we put ourselves out there with words, we ARE going to get reactions, be them good or bad whether we asked for them or not.

After many threads of mine going haywire and problems caused as a result, I have learned that it is possible to get all types of reactions. I don't get nearly as upset as I did before. Now I know what to expect.

The old saying "Opinions are like a-- h----, everybody has one could apply here.

Then of course there is the one "If you can't say something nice, say nothing at all", but if we did that we would have no forum. So we re back to square one which is,

"When and if to comment" !

I also think that part of the problem is many of us feel like we have no voice in our daily lifes and at least here we can express ourselves (without fear of repercussions?)

Then when the responses get to harsh we can't handle it.

JMHO

 

[pandora]

If a thread clearly states that I had a positive attitude.....was sharing a personal life choice that I am making and not taking it litely. The original post was sharing that I felt good about it and good things that are coming into my life. I am still as excited and I know it will take alot of work but with the healing and boundaries that have already been set by me to my mother anv vice versa. We are BOTH anxious and nervous at the same time because we have a temulchous rlatioonship for years but the last year she sure still can fly off the handle but she is willing to change this time and realizes that we need our own space and this helps us both out and makes sense for an investment of this type as this independance could be good for my son...when he is much older. Security for him is a big reason for this too...So that when and if the time comes..he may be in his 30ès but he will have asisstance right when he needs it, having a reliable adult right next door.. That is the long term outcome as my mother is getting up there in years and hopefully it will out turn out positive for our entire family! I still am excited! I am happy that my mother is and has been there for me at this diffucult time. She also feels like my son is at times too much for me alone with my back injury and she can help....if he will listien to her but having an extra pair of hands so close will slso give me an opportunity to have a bit of a life as my Mother will always be within distance to him. If I get this back injury and pain under control, I also want to return to work part-time....and my mother has agreed to watch over him at those times. I think I will work midnights as i am a nightowl and then i am there for him in the day and can sleep when he is at school. All around I just seems like we can all benefit and help each other. If I hadnèt seen such a change in my Mom, I wouldnèt consider it but like I said she is trying now, yes has good and bad days but now will apologize if she gets mad at me too quick, nothing like that ever happened before.

I was happy when i posted that and then wow how it just seems like it really did get a bit out of hand....

It is over...time to move on.

 

[midi]

I think we have to go by how we feel when we read the thread. Go on your gut instinct. If your heart starts to beat a little faster, it may mean you're going to hurt the person with your response.

 

[pandora]

Or...you were hurt by a response to the original thread.....BUT..this is a forum and we cannot see the other person. Often facial expressions, sounds also make you aware. Here, sometimes when a reaction is made on either part it really can and sometimes does get perceived in a way that it may have not be intented. One person may read it as hurtful while another may completely perceive it in a different way. We are all individuals with rights and thoughts and opinions. Sometimes we react quicker than we should and things happen that you just can not change. The damage may have been done and then it is too late. Holding a grudge will only hinder you and slow your healing IMO. We are all here for one reason...to learn how to live with PTSD in a healthy way, learn from each others mistakes and forgive and forget.

As we all know here there are alot worse things that can happen in a persons life....than someone saying the wrong word, not being tactful or feeling hurt by another persons words, especially if you are a survivor from being in an emotionally abusive relationship and constantly hear abusive words...we have all heard alot worse in those situations.

 

[blue_eyed_angel]

This is the way that I rationalize responding to a thread: I read the thread mabye twice sometimes. Then I think about what the person is trying to convey to others. If I have a an opinion or feel that I have a positive input then I will respond. Sometimes I will log off of the forum and think about what I have read and then go back later to post a comment.

And I also agree with Marlene "For me, I believe that if you post a question and ask for advice/suggestions then you open yourself up to whatever others want to post."

But I do try to take others people's feelings into consideration when I post.

 

[anthony]

There is another aspect here in which people have a choice to respond or not. Yes, we all have our opinions and our rights to express them without attacking. So then... how do threads often go way off? Well... someone expresses their opinion and then the thread starter or another often feel they must respond, DEFEND if you like, their opinion. That is the moment threads get heated.

This forum is about building your self esteem. That encompasses reading something and having enough self esteem to not warrant a response to something that you have nothing nice to say, something you know is heated or you're defending. There is no need to defend yourself here. This is a global forum... who cares if someone else doesn't like what you say... You simply ignore what is said that you don't agree with, no comments what so ever, and continue posting as you would completely ignoring the nonsense. That is the great part about being online... you really do have a choice.

The problem is just that people feel they want to defend themselves because of low self esteem typically or feel they must justify themselves to some complete stranger through text. Why?

 

[pandora]

That makes so much sense Anthony! Alot of sense. I think that we are so preoccupied by our own ptsd wheh a thread you start feeling so good about gets torn into such a negative.

Automatically...I perceived the comment this is a mistake along a long line of mistakes....reaction.....anger and hurt..so I felt I needed to explain more in my case because...i am not stupid, I know in my heart of hearts that living beside my mother will bring more challenges and more boundaries. I WANT to have an excellent relationship for as long as she has left. I feel we wasted too many years fighting. For the last five years I have focused on my son and PTSD and my back injury...it will also enable me to go out more and become more involved in the community again as this is still a fear. I wrote that because I feel it is also a positive so i reinforce it to myself also when I write it! Maybe low self esteem is why I felt i needed to justify myself so much...I know I have low self esteem so that makes sense too. See..there I went justifying the whole situation, i guess that is because i have been sitting here writing the pros and cons out and the pros are outweighing the cons at this point.

When writing threads I guess it IS better to start with...want advice, need advice.

If you donèt like what you read, I guess for me it is different for those I have connected with at one point in time the last year and a half......then it feels like I have to respond, especially when it is the COMPLETE opposite about what I am feeling and doing and why. I am healing, I have been in therapy and have been trying my best to think and make better decisions and have recreated relationships that I thought were gone forever. I am making progress and doing better...I guess i just maybe am trying to prove it to myself as well as others.....

 

[kers]

One thing I really like about the forum is that folks are often up-front about what they think and how they view what I write about. Sometimes--often--other posters can see something brewing that I wasn't aware of. People here can see victories in my life that I am blind to, and they can see where I am having problems that I can't yet recognize. I try now to provide the same. Sometimes I'm off-base. My perspective and ideas aren't offered in anger; if they are, I think someone else would call me on that, too! Personally, if I didn't want to know what other people thought, I wouldn't participate. Posting here is similar to gabbing with friends--I expect to hear feedback, and then I choose what to value and what to ignore.

 

[pandora]

I thought I did that...I guess not...more work to do! I really did think I had overcome taking a bad comment..I really donèt get them that often. Maybe just like a trigger in real life where I react too quick or need to make myself look ok and not be judged. Just supported.....because I have felt so much support here and when you have an off thread like an off day in real life it makes you sad. Or it just sets the mood for that time or day as i really have met people I consider friends here.