Relationship Long distance relationship?!

[RRT13]

Anyone in a long distance relationship with their sufferer?!
I've been seeing my combat vet bf since beginning of September. He has untreated PTSD. Things were good until he had to move back home 4 hours away in November which caused us to break up. We kept in constant contact through out the break up which was about 6 weeks. We ended up back together at Christmas time and have been doing amazing! Ive learned not to push when hes shutting down and to give him space without him asking me. Hes been more open with me on his bad days and hes starting to open up more to me emotionally.This long distance relationship is new to me. Im looking for any suggestions or tips of how you and your sufferer make this work.


I also wanted to add I've visited him twice and our time was amazing. Hes coming down soon to visit me!

 

[Snowflakes]

He has untreated PTSD.

Im looking for any suggestions or tips of how you and your sufferer make this work

I’ve read all your posts to better know you. I think therapy would be helpful if both of you are looking to have a long term relationship. Untreated PTSD in both of you is going to make for some rough times.

“Visits” can be amazing if the stress level is low and the knowledge that one can go back home is in the back of their mind.

Keep reading as you have already done and learn good coping skills. I wish you and your vet well.

 

[Hojay]

Oh, just stumbled across this thread. A little late here...yes, we’re long distance. Was supposed to be short term, going on long term at this point. Do you have specific questions regarding long distance and PTSD? It sure adds another layer...some of it good, some of it not so much.

 

[RRT13]

@Hojay
actually he was supposed to come down this past weekend and the weekend before. The 1st weekend he had a flat tire so we planned for this past weekend. As far as this past weekend, I havent heard from him since Friday evening. He has ghosted and I am clueless. Holding on to hope he will come back around. Maybe him traveling to me was too much.

 

[Hojay]

As to the ghosting @Brturner13, I'm so sorry you have to go through that. Not to add worries, but do you have indications that nothing else has happened to keep him from getting in touch? Have you been in touch with friends or family to indicate he's otherwise okay? I'm just wondering, because to bail like that and ghost is pretty damn harsh...

As a general rule, it's good to try and take PTSD out of the equation for a moment and see if the behavior is something you'd be putting up with without it. For example, if PTSD weren't an issue, would you be ok with someone just bailing and dropping off the face of the planet? What would be the consequences if they did? Just because we know WHY they're doing things, doesn't make it any more acceptable.

My partner and I have a pretty strict protocol when it comes to "isolation." He needs to be in touch every day, no matter how briefly, and it needs to be understood that it's temporary. Ghosting is different. If he ever did that, I'd be furious and worried sick, but I'd consider us broken up. If he got back in touch, I'd tell him as much.

So unless you're ok with ghosting, I'd say it's important to instate some boundaries. I know that's hard when someone's not even there to hear it, but it's important nonetheless. Think about what you'll say when he comes back around and focus on that. Could it be something like, "If you ghost again, I'm gone." or "If we can't establish rules that work for both of us, I'll opt out." Boundaries aren't ultimatums, they're clear communications on what you will and won't accept.

That said, my partner and I have had some issues around visitations as well. Travel is difficult for him when he's symptomatic. Everything about it freaks him out--the journey, not being in his regular environment, fears of what to do if he has an episode while away. It's a lot. So for the most part, I agreed to just go see him. It's made things a lot easier for him (and me also for not having to worry if he'll actually come or not.) He also had to learn to communicate what he is and isn't capable of at the moment--constantly having to change my plans or feel like I was being let down because he planned to come, but couldn't, was driving me nuts. So we agreed he'd have to learn more about his limitations and be honest about them.

Have you looked at the stress cup explanation on this site? It's a helpful explanation of how even "small" things can set him off. But, and this is a big but, explanations aren't excuses for unacceptable behavior...so please make sure you read up with that in mind.

 

[Sighs]

Can I suggest a reframe on the first boundary? If you do x I will do y sure sounds like an ultimatum. It comes across as an attempt to control someone else. Boundaries are for you. So I'd suggest framing it as "If he ghosts again then I must end the relationship". The second one sounds more like a boundary.

They are so important but actually quite hard. Firstly to conceptualise properly and secondly to live your boundary. Its pointless even articulating it if you know you won't do what you said you would.

 

[RRT13]

@Hojay no if this was a normal relationship I wouldn't tolerate it and would move on. We never really estsblished boundaries either. I just would know through trial and error that when he shut down to give space. And since we got back together at Christmas and he was more stable as in back home where hes from we started to trust more and open up. We both talked how we had to learn to be vulnerable and open up to each other since we are both very closed. We felt we worked well due to me working in law enforcement and him a vet. We felt there was a better understanding. And i feel like we were getting closer and trusting each other more.Our last 2 weeks seem rough as far as him having a few more stressors. As well as me start to open up more about mine. I noticed him becoming distant last week but still talking normal maybe a little less emotions. Hes never ghosted on me which is really hard for me to understand. Crazy because 2 weeks agi hes telling me to move where he lives.
I actually made a list of like 10 stressors I felt we both had dealt with last week at the same time. After not hearing from him I sent a supportive message Saturday. Sunday I kinda spazzed and poured my heart out and even told him i would come see him and lets try to start fresh that I didnt want to lose him. Still nothing today. Hasnt even checked my snaps on SC since he went to his game Friday evening. I do know hes ok bc hes on FB frequently although hes not posting anything. So i know hes alive.
I work at a Sheriffs Dept where we have 2 mental health deputies who are both vets. I talked to one today and he gave me some more advice! Im lucky to have that additional support plus a great friend who understands me.
So im working on my own boundaries and not texting him for a few days. Ill send a supportive text later this week and just let him know Im here.

 

[RRT13]

@Hojay @Snowflakes
He finally text last night said hed talk to me today. We have talked some this morning and hes having some issues adjusting to the civilian life and misses the military. I offered support and told him I loved him and Im here. Taking baby steps as he seems really fragile right now.

 

[RRT13]

@Sighs yes I will do that when we bring that up. Thanks for your advice on articulation. I seemed to struggle with words alot. Ive been in law enforcement over 10 years and so used to talking factual and non emotional. Im working on being a better communicator through this too.

 

[Hojay]

I'm really glad to hear he's gotten in touch--I'm sure that takes a load off. It's good to be kind and supportive to him, just make sure you're also taking care of yourself and your own needs. If you want to talk to him about ghosting at some point, then you'd have every right to do so.

 

[anon1234]

@Hojay @Snowflakes
He finally text last night said hed talk t...

From my experience, you are doing the best thing! I went through 2 months of isolation and really had to soul search to understand what it would be like from his perspective. This made me realize that I really couldn't overdo it when he ghosted. The first time I saw him after the ghosting, I realized that it really wasn't about me. He felt the same about me as he did before. He just couldn't focus on anything other that keeping his job and getting up in the morning. Combat vet as well by the way. I'm still at the stage where we haven't worked up to boundary setting, I think that will come soon, but I don't think he even understands what it does to people when he doesn't respond. And he is in denial about his isolation periods.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I’m glad you wrote this @anon1234. It really helps me understand this a whole lot more.