Changing your name...?

[Deleted member 47099]

Has anyone here changed their birth name because it's too triggering and too connected to FOO childhood trauma/ abuse?

I've done this once, at about age 23, when my trauma/ PTSD stuff totally came unravelled. I was super dissociated and dysregulated and went and had my name changed officially, but wasn't happy with the process/ result... It felt like some kind of emergency action...

I live in a different country now, where that change of name isn't recognised but would like to change my birth name again.

I know what I want to change my first name to... but have no idea re my surname. How do I pick something that won't end up feeling random?

It's kind of like picking a really visible tattoo... You have to live with it "forever" and it's really visible and people ask you why and blah blah blah...

So you REALLY need to make sure the shoe fits, IMO and it's not just an idea that seems good at the time.

But yeah... I've wanted to *change* my birth name for over 20 years... So that's not a spur of the moment thing.

Just dunno what to choose as a surname, that doesn't feel "arbitrary".

There's no family names (like maiden names) that I feel connected to in a positive way... so that's not an option.

Would love people's thought and experiences re changing or not changing their birth name and reasons and pros/ cons, etc.

Thanks! :)

 

[gealach]

I changed my name in 2006. Like you, I didn't/don't feel connected to any family names, and I didn't want any reminders of that family, so I chose something completely unrelated.

How to chose a last name? Find something you do feel connected to, it doesn't have to be a name, and work from there ( e.g. there's a sport I was into before PTSD, and it works as a last name). My ethnicity is something I strongly identify with, so I chose a common surname of that culture. And there's so many families with that name, that I don't have to "be" from any one of them.

I thought about it for a year before I made it official, and I've never regretted the decision to change my name, or the name I chose.

 

[TTC18]

I've considered this as well. I wonder if you could do it the same way as choosing a name for a child. Make a list of sounds you like, concepts you like, stuff you like and look up all the different words for the sounds and concepts in languages you like, lay them all out - and see if anything speaks to you.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Thanks for your ideas and feedback :)

@gealach and to others too - How did you explain your change of name to friends/ colleagues/ landlord/ neighbours/ whoever?

When I changed my name in my early 20s it was quite a lot of kerfuffle...

And I also kinda ended up having 2 names parallel... Some really old friends just kept calling me by my old name, which was actually okay for me... It would've felt weird/ stilted to have them call be my a different first name.

But then new friends would call me by my new name and old friends by my old name and that would get kinda confusing for people too :rolleyes:

And making a big fuss out of it is about the last thing I want to do...

I mean, okay, I'm 40 now and will handle it differently than I did in my early 20s...

But still wondering how you kind of "tell" people you've changed your name and why...

:)

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Hmmm... I'm thinking maybe the surname of my all-time favourite character from a book?

It's been my favourite book since I was 16, so well over 20 years now.

Dunno if I would feel weird tho... Cos it's not-my-real-name...

I would love to share that character's name... but... dunno...?

*more thought*

 

[Ronin]

still wondering how you kind of "tell" people you've changed your name and why...

Easily. :) By please call me (the new name) (or: at least in X company / situation), please send communications to (the new last name).

The why is a matter of trust, nobody is entitled to those reasons, and knowing them or not does not change they absolutely need to respect the requests.

Edited to add re: character names: They are just names that some creator used. :) And while at it, some quite famous are equally common in some ethnicities as an injoke / just like of the names, so also not something that would be Too Weird.

 

[Marvel545]

The why is a matter of trust, nobody is entitled to those reasons, and knowing them or not does not change they absolutely need to respect the requests.

I second this.

Someone I went to School with changed his name & it was life changing for him.

I guess the name itself is a very personal choice & whatever you love :)

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Okay... so I could tell ppl at work a different reason "why" than I tell my friends and some ppl I don't have to give a reason at all.

 

[Ronin]

Okay... so (contd)

Exactly. Right on mark. It is *your* name. To do with as you please. :)

 

[gealach]

How did you explain your change of name

Short answer.... I didn't.

As needed I would tell people my new name, but I never explained why it changed. People just accepted it, likely because of my attitude about it - this is my name. I think I only have 1 friend from that time who knows why, but I'm not sure they remember I had a different name when we first met. When I changed my name, I also left everything from my old life behind (''friends'', city, etc), I made a new life. I used to joke to myself that I was in witness protection.

 

[Whirlwind]

How did you explain your change of name to friends/ colleagues/ landlord/ neighbours/ whoever?

There is a “transition” period but eventually everyone essentially forgets the old name. For me I had a chance to time the change with a job change which made it a little easier.

Folks will ask and while you can just not answer, reality for me was a simple answer made it easier. I told folks it was my middle name and my preference. Work type folks considered it a non event aka boring answer and everyone got used to it in record time.

Closer people I just told them why my old name was a negative association, frankly they all loved my new name and thought it was a much better fit for me ?

Some very old associations ran into me using old name but then I referenced the above and no biggie.

My name change was one of the best liberating things I ever did for myself.

Start with the basic consenents or sound you want...look at baby names list and meanings.

When you find it you will know it and love it! Dont rush it, enjoy the process!

Whirlwind

 

[Sideways]

Just a different take from someone who’s done a tonne of work on my ancestry. It’s increasingly easy to get hold of a few generations back from your lineage, as well as back-stories about who they were as people, where they lived, what their life was like, even some of the difficulties they faced.

Most of our forebears don’t have the same surname as we do. But they’re our people - they’re where we come from, they’re our heritage. And some of them in your lineage? May have incredible stories.

The surname you got? Isn’t from the generation that you might want to associate yourself with. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you need to abandon your ancestry completely, because some of it you may find are quite inspirational. So, maybe not using a surname from your parents’ generation, but maybe there are people from your heritage that you do want to associate with, even though you never knew them.

Just an idea, as a way to have your new name still carry the type of “this is who I am” meaning that surnames traditionally carry, but still allowing you to decide who, from your heritage, you’re going to connect yourself with.

Some of the women from my heritage? Had amazingly shitty lives, but are inspirational in their own way. I’d be happy to keep that connection in my life. I never knew them, but they’re my people, and some of them are worth being proud of.