Changing your name...?

[Ronin]

There is also a way to look at this as you are your own person.

Having the same name does not make you theirs, in any way, it is just a name. What you make of it is yours, and nothing of them transfers onto you, because that was their actions and choices, not yours. A few letters of an identifier do not change an awesome person, and it is who is behind the name that matters more, not what it is.

 

[bellbird]

Would love people's thought and experiences re changing or not changing their birth name and reasons and pros/ cons, etc.

I think this is one of those instances where a gut-feeling is incredibly useful.
My advice would be to follow that instinct.
Deep down, you'll know the name that is truly yours.
You deserve the chance to live as your authentic self.

 

[FauxLiz]

I had the chance when I divorced to change my name (didn't have to return to my maiden name) but chose not to at the time for my children's sake. Looking back, I wish I had used that opportunity. It wouldn't have cost anything as it would have been part of the divorce proceedings and now doing so is cost prohibitive for me.

As a side note I go by my middle name when not addressed formally. This can be confusing at doctor's offices and other places that use first names but I have never had an issue with people wondering why I don't use my first name or making an issue of it. I just say, I go by FauxLiz and leave it at that.

 

[whiteraven]

This is exactly what I was thinking @Sideways. I actually wanted to change my name - my dad named me and I hate my last name - but I never did and now I'm glad I didn't (just offering my view on this - I think if it feels right for you, you should do it). I was never into ancestry much growing up (why the heck would I want to look into family stuff?), but as I got older it became important to me. The people in my lineage were not the person that hurt me and their stories are so interesting. In a way, it helped me feel less ashamed of who I was.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

I will be keeping my first name as new my middle name... I have a little bit of attachment to that, as my name was chosen/ suggested by the only relative I like.

While I can understand that looking at ancestry is a good option/ idea, I don't want to be connected to my ancestry by name, I truly don't. I feel zero connection there.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

I've been mulling over this the last couple of days... trying to work out "why I'm stuck" with it...

And tada, I worked it out: It's a "parts" thing

HOW ON EARTH am I going to get all parts to agree/ be on board a) with a change of name and b) picking a certain name

I swear that every part has their own, sometimes wildly different opinion on this :facepalm:

And if I as the ANP / most dominant part just override them all and say "This is what I've decided, this is what we're doing" there is gonna be sooooooo much backlash.

(Which is what happened when I changed my name in my early 20s. I made a good, well-considered decision... And then parts when crazy and undid it all...)

 

[Lslb]

Has anyone here changed their birth name because it's too triggering and too connected to FOO childhood trauma/ abuse?

I've done this once, at about age 23, when my trauma/ PTSD stuff totally came unravelled. I was super dissociated and dysregulated and went and had my name changed officially, but wasn't happy with the process/ result... It felt like some kind of emergency action...

I live in a different country now, where that change of name isn't recognised but would like to change my birth name again.

I know what I want to change my first name to... but have no idea re my surname. How do I pick something that won't end up feeling random?

It's kind of like picking a really visible tattoo... You have to live with it "forever" and it's really visible and people ask you why and blah blah blah...

So you REALLY need to make sure the shoe fits, IMO and it's not just an idea that seems good at the time.

But yeah... I've wanted to *change* my birth name for over 20 years... So that's not a spur of the moment thing.

Just dunno what to choose as a surname, that doesn't feel "arbitrary".

There's no family names (like maiden names) that I feel connected to in a positive way... so that's not an option.

Would love people's thought and experiences re changing or not changing their birth name and reasons and pros/ cons, etc.

Thanks! :)

I had to change my name a few times to avoid my abuser. It can take it out of you and there is a lot of paper work. If you have educational certs etc and move jobs you will need to produce your change of name deeds etc. I’m not saying don’t change your name just be aware of what you will need to change over.

Picking a new surname. With me the police suggested looking in a phone book pick the most common 5 surnames and then rule out any that belong to family.

If you are in a place where you will settled for a significant amount of time that might be an idea. Take your time and make sure you are happy with it.

Good luck xxx

 

[Whirlwind]

HOW ON EARTH am I going to get all parts to agree

What if every part....gets a part or a piece of the puzzle so to speak?

I am a big fan of fresh starts and for me my name change was a way to identify myself as....myself and not a product of "them". I love my name, I really do even all of these years later. My middle name is also very special and I write my initial if not writing it out entirely when I sign something. My name can also be combined with the middle for a complete name.

I'm just making this up but for example.....Tara Lynn Sinclair.

You can go by Tara or Taralynn as the mood suits you.
Initials TLS which as an acronym mean something to you.

I come from a place where 2 middle names is routine. So that leaves you will potentially 4 names if you want to change everything which you can. The paperwork is a pain but once its done, its done.

Tara Lynn~Annalise Sinclair

In my state you can legally change everything but your last name simply by using it. Last name is a legal process which I went through, cost me $75 if I remember correctly. It was a nice experience, paperwork mess but the judge signed in 60 seconds and said she liked my new name :-)

You should love your name too...and all of the parts.

Have fun,

Whirlwind

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Well OMG... talking to parts about potential new name means I also need to talk to parts about "Who am I?" right...?

Scary question, lol... :eek: :eek: :eek:

Why does this shit need to be so complicated and difficult?? :laugh:

 

[rosey]

I changed my name a few years ago. I was advised by the police that it was a good idea to keep me safe.
I involved my children in it and we picked a new name (forename together) surname changed in any case with marriage.
It was a really good thing for me. I decided that I didn't want anything from my parents, name included. It was a relief not to hear my old name.
As for telling people, those close to me knew the reasons so that was okish, a few refused to use my new name but I took a stubborn route and stopped responding to my old name - they soon learnt. Those not close were just told I never liked my name so decided to change it, simple as and that was enough for most people.

I love my new name and am so much happier for the change.

 

[Pale Mpress Kitty]

I changed my first name a couple of years ago when I got married. It was like shedding the cocoon of the old me and becoming who I truly am. Leaving behind the carcass of the damaged bits of me, and being embraced by my new family in my husband and his family.

I never really liked my birth name at all and started associating negative feelings towards it when I was in my early teens. When I was going through the process of choosing a new name, I thought about the nicknames I was given, nicknames I chose for myself (how did I present myself to online communities?) and names I generally liked the sound of. Then I chose a handful and 'trialed' them out in the real world: ordered coffee under one, introduced myself to a stranger under another, etc.

When I finally chose one, it was then the process of getting it changed legally and then telling people the 'why'; which ended up being a short and sweet "Because that is not my name any more." My boss and coworkers all took it in stride. It's my parents that have ended up struggling the most. I ended up having a year or so of some people calling me by my new name and some my old. Even now my mother stumbles over it. Eventually I posted the below on facebook (some bits removed):

"A name that is given is a gift. But if you don't like that girt, you can return it and exchange it for another."

The thing you need to understand is that by not using my name ('Kitty'), you are denying who I am. Calling someone by their name is one of the most basic forms of respect. It's acknowledging who I AM, not who I WAS.

When I change my name, I got to choose who I was going to be. I got to choose the best parts of who I am, and combine them with the best parts of who I want to be. I could reclaim my own space in the world, and present a new me to everyone in it. I'm ignoring who I used to be, but I'm not that person any more. That's not me. And that's not my name any more.

My brother in law has also changed his name. He's completely removed himself from the family (well, from his father) and now has the scientific name for his favourite plant as his last name.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Thank you Kitty, that's wonderful :)

I'm really glad you and your brother in law are happy with your new names! :)

I think this is a really good suggestion and one I definitely need to do, to see if all parts are on board:

Then I chose a handful and 'trialed' them out in the real world: ordered coffee under one, introduced myself to a stranger under another, etc.

It's *such* a difference picking a name in theory and then having it used in practice.

I'll have to think of good scenarios to try this :)