Changing your name...?

[Pale Mpress Kitty]

One thing I found interesting when I was trialing new names, was how people's reactions made me feel. I experienced a couple of times when people asked me to repeat my trialed name, not because they misheard me (though that is a good test too) but because they didn't think it suited me. Then once I chose to use Kitty at a cafe and the waitresses all ran over to say "Hello Kitty!" because they thought it was cute. Their smiles and pure joy over my name was what made me choose this one in the end. :)

I found customer service type situations the best for trialing names; ordering food/drinks anywhere, introducing yourself to volunteers like donation collectors or door knockers. Little momentary interactions where you will probably never see or talk with them again in the future. I think it's a small but important task to get your own tongue used to a new name, before convincing others that it's right.

 

[freebird]

Totally relate @Sophy, my birth name is so bizarre and unusual. My abuser wanted my name to be unique *rolls eyes*. I want to change my name to a normal name that would empower me. Just don't know what that name is yet.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

I've picked a name that I'm kinda happy with (I mean, I really like it but I'm not sure parts agree, so we will see)... and I'm going to trial it.

I signed up to some online courses using it yesterday, so going to see how it goes.

I'm currently struggling with "I really like this name, do I deserve to have it as my own?"

It's weird... I feel like I don't deserve to have that good/ nice name.

I'll see how I go with it, see if I can work through that...

 

[Deleted member 47099]

So I think as I wrote in this thread:

Did childhood trauma leave you feeling like you're a freak?

Childhood trauma did leave me feeling like a freak...

And...

Totally relate @Sophy, my birth name is so bizarre and unusual. My abuser wanted my name to be unique *rolls eyes*. I want to change my name to a normal name that would empower me. Just don't know what that name is yet.

Yup, my name is/ feels weird, because my FOO picked a weird/ unusual name too, which feels like part of the abuse, like they gave me the name/ label "weird"

And it's like I don't deserve the label "normal/ nice" and/ or a label I like.

It's like I'm meant to have a name/ label that sucks.

Going to try and work on being entitled to a normal name/ label and a nice one.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Okay - talked to 2 friends today, to get their feedback.

Feels good to be taking steps in this direction.

In my 20s I didn't consult anyone... Just went ahead and changed my name.

So this approach (talking to friends first) feels more grounded now.

 

[freebird]

my FOO picked a weird/ unusual name too, which feels like part of the abuse, like they gave me the name/ label "weird"

Omg yes so true!

 

[Empty Shell]

Has anyone here changed their birth name because it's too triggering and too connected to FOO childhood trauma/ abuse?

I've done this once, at about age 23, when my trauma/ PTSD stuff totally came unravelled. I was super dissociated and dysregulated and went and had my name changed officially, but wasn't happy with the process/ result... It felt like some kind of emergency action...

I live in a different country now, where that change of name isn't recognised but would like to change my birth name again.

I know what I want to change my first name to... but have no idea re my surname. How do I pick something that won't end up feeling random?

It's kind of like picking a really visible tattoo... You have to live with it "forever" and it's really visible and people ask you why and blah blah blah...

So you REALLY need to make sure the shoe fits, IMO and it's not just an idea that seems good at the time.

But yeah... I've wanted to *change* my birth name for over 20 years... So that's not a spur of the moment thing.

Just dunno what to choose as a surname, that doesn't feel "arbitrary".

There's no family names (like maiden names) that I feel connected to in a positive way... so that's not an option.

Would love people's thought and experiences re changing or not changing their birth name and reasons and pros/ cons, etc.

Thanks! :)

Hi. I knew early on that I HATED my birth name. I got rid of that one, only to not be able to stick to another. All variations of my nick name. I can tell you for sure, you change it too much, and it will catch up with you when you retire. Those people up there at SOCIAL SECURITY OFFICE, a lot of them anyway, are judgemental and they seem to think they own the money they are generously giving you out of their own pockets. (Don't ever expect them to be your BFF's!!) So I have a few aliases and I know they look at me as though I've been running from a crime.) I HAVE BEEN RUNNING!! Yes, from a crime that was first committed to me at 5yo, but don't expect them to have compassion or understanding. They are like robots. Oh, and get ready, because you'll get 8 different answers (opinions) from 8 different people. AS HARD AS IT IS, TRY TO KEEP GOOD RECORDS, with ALL your names.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Hi. I knew early on that I HATED my birth name. I got rid of that one, only to not be able to stick to another. All variations of my nick name. I can tell you for sure, you change it too much, and it will catch up with you when you retire. Those people up there at SOCIAL SECURITY OFFICE, a lot of them anyway, are judgemental and they seem to think they own the money they are generously giving you out of their own pockets. (Don't ever expect them to be your BFF's!!) So I have a few aliases and I know they look at me as though I've been running from a crime.) I HAVE BEEN RUNNING!! Yes, from a crime that was first committed to me at 5yo, but don't expect them to have compassion or understanding. They are like robots. Oh, and get ready, because you'll get 8 different answers (opinions) from 8 different people. AS HARD AS IT IS, TRY TO KEEP GOOD RECORDS, with ALL your names.

Yah. Trauma sure makes our lives messy, huh?
So yeah, this name stuff is kinda messy too.
I'm never going to have a neat life.
But yeah, we should stop apologising for the messiness.
It's not us that caused it.
We're just living with it as well as we can.
:hug:

 

[Pale Mpress Kitty]

we should stop apologising for the messiness

This. This is a hard thing to learn.

@Sophy, you more than deserve a name and a label YOU get to choose for yourself.

I have a firm belief that only you can label yourself. It's not right or just for someone to label another person. And because I also don't believe in a normal (it's all subjective: after all what is normal to the cat is terror to the bird and completely different to the normal for a horse) so I have had to give myself lots of labels: creative, caring, animal-lover, writer, woman, survivor, warrior... My new name is a reflection of my own labels, of who I am as told by me.

Maybe what could help in choosing a name is writing a letter to yourself as that name, telling your new name all of the qualities about them that reflect the labels you choose for yourself. I find it easiest as though I'm writing to a friend. Even better, if you have friends who would be willing to write about you to you. It's awkward as hell (i hate compliments), but it's so precious and wonderful knowing what qualities in me my friends really admire.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Aww, thank you @KittyM

Your idea with the letter made me teary (in a good way) so I think I'm gonna have to do that! :)

 

[freebird]

writing a letter to yourself as that name

This is such beautiful idea!

 

[Aviatrix]

Thanks for your ideas and feedback :)

@gealach and to others too - How did you explain your change of name to friends/ colleagues/ landlord/ neighbours/ whoever?

When I changed my name in my early 20s it was quite a lot of kerfuffle...

And I also kinda ended up having 2 names parallel... Some really old friends just kept calling me by my old name, which was actually okay for me... It would've felt weird/ stilted to have them call be my a different first name.

But then new friends would call me by my new name and old friends by my old name and that would get kinda confusing for people too :rolleyes:

And making a big fuss out of it is about the last thing I want to do...

I mean, okay, I'm 40 now and will handle it differently than I did in my early 20s...

But still wondering how you kind of "tell" people you've changed your name and why...

:)

Hi, I changed my name after I was diagnosed with PTSD. I was just obliterated, and the new name felt right to me. I always wanted double initials, so I started there. I just looked into last names that began with the right letter until I found one that I loved. I would actually like to change it again, though. I've even thought about changing my first name. I just want to disappear. I don't want people that used to know me to be able to find me. I dunno if I will or not. I never told anyone I changed my name unless I was extremely close with them, or unless it was a legal situation where I needed to present documentation to officially show my name was changed legally.