Childhood Being in my body after a life time of dissociation & food numbing. Stopping being so hard on myself.

[ms spock]

I am trying to be in my body after a life time of dissociation and food numbing. It is really challenging. I have worked on my comfort eating and food numbing for 10 months. I have made sincere gains. I have also left obesity and I am now just overweight. I am just above my top BMI weight for my height. I still struggle with not being in food coma though. It is a big change for me.

It is so hard to start to be, in this now, when you have mostly been dissociated throughout the majority of your life.

I am making my life so hard by being so hard on myself, and beating myself up. This is a habituated habit, that I have had for a long time, and often I don't even realise that I am doing it. I find this out by other people telling me about it. I still can't catch it with myself a lot of the time.

I also connect with feeling bad about making a mistake with being a bad person who should die because they are bad. So I have lots of distorted cognition and feeling going on. This is because of my invalidating Mother and Father. Their needs were all that mattered. I had to be absent. I had to have no feelings or needs, so it is hard for me to work out what I need, or feel, or want, or anything.

So I can either stuff my emotions down with food or TV binge watching or I am distressed or upset again. Despite this I am beginning to binge TV watch less often. I am also doing the binge eating/comfort eating a lot less as well. These are two big changes. They are feel very provisional at times but I am doing so much better with both things. I have made significant changes.

I just don't know if I can do the next step in my life, and healing even more, as it just feels so overwhelming.

I don't want to feel this distressed. I feel so lonely. I am really struggling again. But maybe I am not struggling but just feeling feelings? I don't know. It is not fair when every developmental stage was disrupted by trauma, how do you ever know what is normal? I don't know if what I am feeling is okay or normal? I don't like it either. I don't want to feel this distressed. I feel so lonely at times. I honestly don't want to feel feelings at all, but apparently that is not optional for human beings.

So I desperately don't want to go forward, on one level, but realistically, there is no other way other than going forward. I have to be here and be with what the day brings. It is the way of life.

How have you gone from being numb and frozen in your daily life, to being more with your feelings?
How have you gone from constant self annihilation and being so hard on yourself to not being to harsh on yourself?
How have you gone from constant self doubt to easing up on yourself? How did you start to feel some confidence in yourself?

 

[Starfish]

I am trying to be in my body after a life time of dissociation and food numbing. It is really challenging. I have worked on my comfort eating and food numbing for 10 months. I have made sincere gains. I have also left obesity and I am now just overweight. I am just above my top BMI weight for my height. I still struggle with not being in food coma though. It is a big change for me.

It is so hard to start to be, in this now, when you have mostly been dissociated throughout the majority of your life.

I am making my life so hard by being so hard on myself, and beating myself up. This is a habituated habit, that I have had for a long time, and often I don't even realise that I am doing it. I find this out by other people telling me about it. I still can't catch it with myself a lot of the time.

I also connect with feeling bad about making a mistake with being a bad person who should die because they are bad. So I have lots of distorted cognition and feeling going on. This is because of my invalidating Mother and Father. Their needs were all that mattered. I had to be absent. I had to have no feelings or needs, so it is hard for me to work out what I need, or feel, or want, or anything.

So I can either stuff my emotions down with food or TV binge watching or I am distressed or upset again. Despite this I am beginning to binge TV watch less often. I am also doing the binge eating/comfort eating a lot less as well. These are two big changes. They are feel very provisional at times but I am doing so much better with both things. I have made significant changes.

I just don't know if I can do the next step in my life, and healing even more, as it just feels so overwhelming.

I don't want to feel this distressed. I feel so lonely. I am really struggling again. But maybe I am not struggling but just feeling feelings? I don't know. It is not fair when every developmental stage was disrupted by trauma, how do you ever know what is normal? I don't know if what I am feeling is okay or normal? I don't like it either. I don't want to feel this distressed. I feel so lonely at times. I honestly don't want to feel feelings at all, but apparently that is not optional for human beings.

So I desperately don't want to go forward, on one level, but realistically, there is no other way other than going forward. I have to be here and be with what the day brings. It is the way of life.

How have you gone from being numb and frozen in your daily life, to being more with your feelings?
How have you gone from constant self annihilation and being so hard on yourself to not being to harsh on yourself?
How have you gone from constant self doubt to easing up on yourself? How did you start to feel some confidence in yourself?

Seems like the biggest message I have gotten around this subject is to love and accept myself. I try to say that I love me and it is OK, no matter what I am feeling. It is hard to do as my feelings are so hating towards myself. Lately I just say to myself “I love you” “you are OK, everything is OK.” It does not really help but it is all I know to do. I’ve learned enough that I know it is the truth. I must love all the unloveliness I feel inside myself. Most of the time it is just words I say to myself but I also realize that if I don’t really believe that I really am OK, I wouldn’t tell myself that I am. It is a sort of “take it by faith” situation. Faith not necessarily in a spiritual sense but faith in logic.

 

[ms spock]

This might be of interest? @crushed Tips for practice - Self-Compassion

 

[TruthSeeker]

@Parthenogenesis - It dawned on me not that many months ago, that I too had spent my life not living but hiding- dissociated- living the fog all the while battling obesity... using food a quick emotional/chemical fix.

The child parts that like sweets, pizza, coke, and carbs also like other fun things that aren’t food oriented. I try to have alternatives to eating ( e.g. coloring/drawing, online games to distract, IPAD drawing, fishing, playing w cats,activities requiring moving, dancing inside, nature walks, making doll clothes for the local Christmas doll giveaway, and other activities that involve making things creatively/ or have a feeling of play) to help distract and to help remove food as a primary reinforcer which Ive used as a bandage to give relief to my negative emotional chaotic periods.

I have found after being dissociatively absent in life, for over 50 years, that simple daily problem solving, remembering a diet improvement plan I create, continue to somedays be a challenge. But, doing fun things daily that my inner child parts enjoy has been extremely helpful and positive. Giving myself permission to play at home was a struggle initially but also a help.

Regarding weight: My T told me to eat a peppermint- tasted so good I ate a bag of 40-in several hours. Food for grounding works but for me is counterproductive. Popsicles- icy cold & flavorful foods- ground me fast but I’ll sit and eat 10 more-strawberry real fruit pops- OMG! Yummy . So, I don’t use food anymore to battle dissociation unless it is really bad and I can’t maintain control any other ways.

I’m not at the I love myself stage. But it sounds like that is a really positive strategy.

 

[ms spock]

@Parthenogenesis - It dawned on me not that many months ago, that I too had spent my life not living but hiding- dissociated- living the fog all the while battling obesity... using food a quick emotional/chemical fix.

You are not alone with that. I am back to battling with this one.

 

[Starfish]

Gosh, 65 years of some form of disassociation for me. It seems I am most often stuck in disassociation. Yesterday I could barely associate with anything. I realized yesterday the only reason I was alive is because of my son and his wife and children. My sister ended it and my brother is totally functionally disassociated living off the grid. I am trying to live in society with so much tendency towards non-connection. I could not leave the house yesterday and wanted no interaction, blinds closed. Today, I will grab the opportunity to get groceries and take dog for walk and maybe do some paperwork (if this surge lasts all day). The difference between yesterdays feelings and todays are huge. I realize that anything can trigger me as I head out but off I go anyway. It is easier to disassociate since I do not have a daily job nor parenting responsibilities anymore. I stay alive for my son and I get opportunities to connect, though difficult, when with my grandkids mostly. I notice the 4 year old is easiest for me and the 2 older ones it is getting harder for me to feel connected to because of how I think and feel about connection. Hope this makes sense. I need to fess up to the truth of my life and how I feel inside. Yesterday’s message told me to live a day/moment at a time.All I had was breath, the rest was lost to me. I did eat food, however and watched movies. I need to count those as connection.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Gosh, 65 years of some form of disassociation for me. It seems I am most often stuck in disassociation. Yesterday I could barely associate with anything. I realized yesterday the only reason I was alive is because of my son and his wife and children. My sister ended it and my brother is totally functionally disassociated living off the grid. I am trying to live in society with so much tendency towards non-connection. I could not leave the house yesterday and wanted no interaction, blinds closed. Today, I will grab the opportunity to get groceries and take dog for walk and maybe do some paperwork (if this surge lasts all day). The difference between yesterdays feelings and todays are huge. I realize that anything can trigger me as I head out but off I go anyway. It is easier to disassociate since I do not have a daily job nor parenting responsibilities anymore. I stay alive for my son and I get opportunities to connect, though difficult, when with my grandkids mostly. I notice the 4 year old is easiest for me and the 2 older ones it is getting harder for me to feel connected to because of how I think and feel about connection. Hope this makes sense. I need to fess up to the truth of my life and how I feel inside. Yesterday’s message told me to live a day/moment at a time.All I had was breath, the rest was lost to me. I did eat food, however and watched movies. I need to count those as connection.

I try to plan fun things during the day to get me up and experiencing the world. I do pottery clay, photography, art, story writing, music group, exercise class, & poetry writing. I’m just a bit younger than you. I have found it hard to find myself in this sleeping beauty wake up moment, not having a clue how to manage the real world problems.....struggling to follow through.

 

[ms spock]

I am trying to be in my body after a life time of dissociation and food numbing.
I am making my life so hard by being so hard on myself, and beating myself up.
I also connect with feeling bad about making a mistake with being a bad person who should die because they are bad. .
So I can either stuff my emotions down with food or TV binge watching or I am distressed or upset again.
I just don't know if I can do the next step in my life, and healing even more, as it just feels so overwhelming.

I am back with all this again.