General Husband wants divorce - sent via email

[America15]

Well where to start?

Some of you know my story. My husband took off 7 weeks ago because he was not sure if he wanted to put me through his ptsd life or not. He showed up 3 times, only texting ever since. 3 times he rescheduled our meetings. Yesterday I gave him the chance to tell me via email what's going on. He told me (what he already told me in those 7 weeks of a rollercoaster). I dont want to be with you, its not your fault, but I love you and want to be friends with you. Moreover, he wants a divorce (not even just separate he wants all or nothing). He offered me a lawyer if I need one and he gives me time to organize my life until I have to move out of our apartment. This email was very hurtful and disturbing at the same time.

He also said he does not want to come back until I leave (I guess he wants to keep the apartment?). So basically he wants to divorce me, be friends with me (I was literally the only one in his life who gave him support) and don't face me or talk with me about it (the reasons why he left, all those answers I hoped for). He repeated himself at least 4 times. He loves me, needs to figure out who he is, wants to be friends, nothing I did and apologized. Different order but he repeated it again and again and again. Like I said this email was kind of useless to me because I've heard it before. He even said when he is ready maybe we can start over again. He also does not put the pictures down or anything because I'm still his best friend.
Between all thos blurry sentences he had a couple clear sentences (unfortunately the one about I can't change his mind and he wants a divorce).

I am beyond helpless. A friend told me not to answer him yet and just wait for a while.

I mean it kind of took my hope away but I feel like as long as I dont have the actually papers infront of me I dont really want to give up (even tho he said very clear that I should give up my hopes and dreams for him not wanting a divorce). I don't understand why does he has to go that far. This is not the only option for us and honestly we haven't even tried something else besides giving him more time. He is so stuck with his thought of divorce.
Im so confused and hope someone can give me advice or went through a similar situation. I know I have to take care of myself but we all know some things are just not as easy to put to the side. Thank you

 

[America15]

Here is a short update from my story. Last week Monday my husband send me a message saying that he wants to send me an email. I told him I don't want to have his email because I want to see him face to face. 5 days later I thought I will give him the chance to express himself. The same night he sent me an email with the subject divorced saying that he loves me and he cares about me but he doesn't want to be with me right now but he wants to be friends with me because he cannot lose me a that. He stated he wants a divorce but did not mention any other details. He repeated himself a couple times in this email (I love you, cannot be with you, want to be friends). The email seemed to me very blurry and unclear the only clear thing what he said was that he does not want to be with me right now. It was a shock. But at the same time he did not tell me anything new what he did not say in the last 8 weeks. I did not answer and thought I am going to speak to my therapist first to see what I can tell him. Unexpectedly he came back Tuesday morning at 3 o'clock. He got into another fight and was not able to stay at his drinking buddies place. But you also said he will go back the next day to this place when his friend leaves. I started a conversation about what happened in the last 7 weeks and mention divorce. I told him that I do not believe that he really wants a divorce and he agreed. But he also said he wants to be with me but he does not want to be with me because he does not want to put me through this whole thing what he is going through right now. I explained him that I had the chance to easily step out of this marriage but I chose not to and I choose to stay with him and go through this with him together. I told him that I love him and that I care about him but that he needs professional help and that he needs to go to therapy and this is the only way. He said he knows it and that the therapy is the only way to fix him right now. A couple weeks ago he said he doesn't need therapy he can do it by himself so I'm kind of happy to hear that he knows that there are no more options left than therapy. We spoke for about an hour and I was finally able to express myself and tell him how I feel. In the email he sent before he stated that he does not want to see me until I leave the apartment. I was so happy that I saw him this morning because he was a completely different person that he pretended to be in his email. I truly believe he doesn't want a divorce but I also know that he needs time by himself. I try to give him his time and do not text him too often moreover I try not to overwhelm him. Still I will send him a message in the next couple days with information about an in-patient facility for substance abuse with a recovery chance of over 80%. I do not believe that he will go there for right now but I want at least that he's reading it and thinking about it. It's been a roller-coaster in the last 8 weeks from telling me how much he loves me and cares about me to he doesn't want to be with me to he wants a divorce and back to I don't want a divorce. I know he's not in his right state of mind right now which I told him and I also said he cannot make such a big decision. He said he will think about the divorce but he cannot promise me that he doesn't want it anymore. I still believe I hit a weak spot and he did not expect that I will be still as loving and kind after this email. I know he is very confused about himself and about his life. It is just very confusing what he has to tell me at certain points. For example in his email he mentioned that he has to save money now just in case if I want alimony from him. 2 days after he came home he sent me a text message that he needs money because he's running low. He needs help desperately. I can only offer it to him and tell him options he has. But he needs to step up and do it. At least his back on his anti depression medication and his seeing his psychiatrist. It is very difficult to deal with the situation and living a normal life. I try to take care of myself but also want to be there for him and show him that I still care about him and don't let him down. It is very sad to see him like this and you know who he was before. I still try to stay strong for him but don't forget about myself. I also believe he doesn't want a divorce because he would have already served me with the divorce papers if you really want that so bad. She just does not know better because he's not in his right State of Mind. I have to be patient and supportive at the same time and see what the next couple weeks will bring and if he will change his mind. I do not have a guarantee that he does not want to divorce anymore but at least he knows my sign and my feelings about it now.

 

[lady truck driver]

That sounds terrible. Somehow you will have to move on.Start a new life far away from there.Staying nearby will not help things for you.

 

[America15]

A short update. I am not sure if someone is about to read this but I think it will help people who are in a similar situation.
Ever since my husband left again two weeks ago we haven't had so much of a conversation. I try to leave him alone and try to give him the time to think about his life and refocus. He sent me a message last week about the bills and that he cannot pay everything by himself but he is still able to pay the rent even though he doesn't live here. I am very thankful for that and I told him that. He told me that he's going back to school and he's reading the book I gave him about a PTSD suffer who is managing his life now in a very good way.
He is very cold and plain when he is texting me. No emotions, no I love you. Only when I tell him that I love him he responses with I love you too. I try not to take it personal because I know his focus is on himself right now. One day after the message that he cannot pay all the bills he send me unexpectedly another message that he's going to start with an armed security class next month and that is the reason why he cannot pay all the bills. I am glad he is communicating with me about little things like this. It seems like he is getting his life together, going back to school and getting a job. Even though I wish I would be part of this progress in his life right now I am happy for him. Still I am concerned that the person he is living with has bad influence because of the drug abuse. I am also concerned that he thinks because he is not with me right now that he gets his life together. I try to focus on myself and stay positive and keep his words in my mind what he said when he was here two weeks ago. He said that he loves me and he wants to be with me but he can because he does not want to put me through this all moreover, he wants to get his life together. Maybe this is his chance for improvement and he will come back to me. So far he did not mention anything about divorce again but obviously I don't have a guarantee that he won't change his mind tomorrow or in the next couple days or weeks. I believe when I talk to him face-to-face it is so much easier to understand him because I see emotions and see who he really is because he cannot hide behind a message (the morning I spoke to him he had tears in his eyes, was smiling). Honestly, I won't give up until he serves me the divorce papers. So far I feel like he is just confused and he doesn't see any other way out so he left me and tried to push me away (it does not seem like he tries to push me away-he is communicating with me about his progress. He could easily just tell he can not pay the bills but a day later he decided to tell me why).
I don't know when he will be back the next time or when we will have a conversation face-to-face but I try to stay positive and believe in our love.