Relationship I Ended Up Confronting Him

[Kahina Rhea]

I've only read this one thread, but to me it sounds like he is not trying. Listen this is from experience for the longest time I kept falling for the wrong men and becoming attached when they just didn't feel the same way. I should have realized at the time that they didn't see and care about me the way I wanted/needed to be cared for. But I kept telling myself I could change them, I could be better, & I could make them love me they way I loved them. It doesn't work that way though and I caused myself a lot of grief worrying about who is he with, why hasn't he called, what is he doing, and why are we not spending as much time together as we use to. Sometimes you just have to let go of the thing you want now so something even better can happen later. Its hard though especially when being with that person is all you really want. That fact is though if you can't trust them and they stress you out more than they do you good its not worth it. When you meet that person who you are suppose to be with it won't feel this way. You will know how they really feel about you, you will have that trust, the closeness and connection. It will be like dating your best friend because that's how well you two work together. It took me a long time to finally find mister right and now when I look back I can see why he is the one and the others well they were never the real deal. A man who cares will go out of his way to prove it and let you know. Whatever you decide though good luck.

 

[Justmehere]

This whole thing is very unhealthy.

Yeah, it is. I think this is the first time I think you have posted that, so simply and clearly.

Why can't I just let it go?

I think this is a very important question that I hope you keep exploring and working on resolving.

Did you know that the average woman who leaves a partner who is outright physically abusing them, returns SEVEN times? That's huge! And in those relationships, they go back even though it risks death. Sometimes they go back because they are actually trying to solve an earlier abusive relationship - it's a trauma reenactment. I think in the past (correct me if I am wrong) but you have been previously abandoned by someone important in your life. Reenactments happen for people without severe trauma and PTSD too. This relationship might echo an earlier one, and maybe you are trying to solve it on an unconscious level and feel pulled to be drawn back in.

Sometimes people return to an unhealthy relationship because it hurts to let go. Sometimes it is because they unconsciously are seeking the "distraction" that the relationship is from bigger problems that feel harder to solve. In your case, if you did let him go, then you would be alone and facing the bigger problem of the lack of more social connections elsewhere.

There is also the behavioral phenomenon that whenever a behavior is rewarded intermittently, people can become addicted quite easily. This is why slot machines can be so addictive. In this relationship, your efforts to connect on a real level are sometimes rewarded. This Facebook mess is a great example. He is intermittently responding to what you bring up.

Behaviorally, it makes sense why you get pulled in and very may well be "addicted" to trying to solve/understand this relationship with this guy. I think it is especially hard because he suffers from PTSD and it is not that easy to walk away from someone who has a real struggle with a condition from trauma. I think it is poor insight for sufferers to think that it is easy to just walk away just like that.

I think others have a point about posting about the same problem in the sense that it's time to stop looking so much at trying to sort out why he is doing what he is doing, and focus more on why you are doing what you are doing. You do need to let this guy go for now, as the relationship isn't healthy for either of you. It really is like you are addicted to solving it.

The question about why you are addicted to the drama of this relationship is actually a very good question. There is a reason for every addicition. Usually, for the person who is addicted, the thing (which can include a relationship) that they are addicted to provides a temporary relief from pain. Sometimes people caretake or try to fix or solve others as a relief from pain. Like all addictions, it doesn't really work, but it might be playing a role as to why it is so hard to let go.

I disagree with the discouragement about positing about this. I personally get drawn back to the same unhealthy relationship patterns, but the more I talk and share about it, the more I get out of the loop and let it go more each time. I hope that maybe the same is happening for you. I also hope you keep working on this in counseling and keep reaching out for support to address the bigger stuff going on in your life.The more you address the pain you are in for all of your life, the easier it will be to let go of this unhealthy relationship. :hug:

 

[moonbeam]

Tough Love time.

Your first post was about how he was accepted into a mental health ward after agreeing with his T (a trained professional) that it was in his best interests. We explained to you that it isn't summer camp. They don't invite you in to hang out, watch movies, have some smores. Wards are for people badly suffering who might be a threat to themselves.

He was in a ward for likely very serious mental health issues. He told people on FB that he was going on vacation but felt comfortable telling you the truth. We've already told you the kind of horrible emotions of shame he might have been feeling at being in a ward. Its like being told you can't take care of yourself and even if its true it hurts. We told you that maybe he's being distant because of these feelings and he told you in advance he wasn't sure he would be able to contact you.

You spent the whole time he was in and should be concentrating on getting to a more stable position whining about the fact that he hadn't messaged you! Then when he does get out you confront him about his Facebook? T's usually don't recommend going into a ward unless the patient is a danger to themselves! And he comes out and has to deal with you being upset about social media???

Then you say its okay in a passive aggressive text and moan about the fact he hasn't jumped to comfort you when he's probably trying to readjust to life again and decide what he is going to tell to who if anything when questions about his holiday get asked.

He said he didn't block you except one post. He trusted you enough to tell you the truth instead of the lie about his holiday. So you can trust him or not?

Most people would be happy to know he got help and was hopefully doing better. You want to know why he didn't text you. Can you see how this is unhealthy for both of you???

We tried on all the other threads to gently get you to see why this obsession is bad for you and to show some empathy for how he (the one who was in the mental health ward which is a strong indication he was struggling) might be feeling.

No offense but you might not be ready to be a supporter. You've shown little sympathy for his struggle and have made his hospitalisation about you. Like your somehow the victim of him being mentally unwell. And you aren't. He's not trying to hurt you. He's trying to recover.

If you can't handle it then its best for both of you to move on.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

When you meet that person who you are suppose to be with it won't feel this way. You will know how they really feel about you, you will have that trust, the closeness and connection. It will be like dating your best friend because that's how well you two work together.

You just threw a bit of very valuable wisdom in, and I feel encouraged by it! Thank you!

- it's a trauma reenactment. I think in the past (correct me if I am wrong) but you have been previously abandoned by someone important in your life. Reenactments happen for people without severe trauma and PTSD too. This relationship might echo an earlier one, and maybe you are trying to solve it on an unconscious level and feel pulled to be drawn back in.

:cry::cry::cry: because I have done this so many times.

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

I got behind on your posts, Glara. I posted on the other one my thoughts about it all. I've told you before also that I am going to be starting counseling, because I know I have a hard time letting go and things from past "traumas' get triggered. Like "if I can show him unselfish love then maybe he will love me". Unhealthy thoughts that I need help with. I totally get you, girl..and though you're a mess right now, your are wise and strong and in time things will be better. (it helps me to believe that about myself if I type it out about you :)) lots of love and hugs.

 

[Wastinglight]

I disagree with the discouragement about positing about this. I personally get drawn back to the same unhealthy relationship patterns, but the more I talk and share about it, the more I get out of the loop and let it go more each time. I hope that maybe the same is happening for you. I also hope you keep working on this in counseling and keep reaching out for support to address the bigger stuff going on in your life.The more you address the pain you are in for all of your life, the easier it will be to let go of this unhealthy relationship. :hug:

Yes I agree. Please don't stop posting here @Glara. We are here to support you. I understand what it's like to feel as if you're 'stuck', almost like I'm a broken record. And it's really really hard to get out of that rut sometimes.

If you are interested in additional resources where you can talk in more depth about your own stuff specifically, you might like to visit [DLMURL]http://anxietyforum.net/[/DLMURL] as well. I visit their forums sometimes. It's good to talk with other people who have GAD. They also have a Depression forum.

But you need a strong support network to get through this. So keep posting.