I Think I'm Trying To Get My Ex Back From A Manipulative Control Freak!

[Always have Hope!]

So after 10 days, I broke down and went to see my ex girlfriend, at first she was hesitate to talk, then she said ok we talk in my car. After we got in, I first told her I tried very hard to stay away, but I love you and I care, and I worry about her ( she has ptsd, depression, and anxiety attacks. )She started crying and said its ok, you did great going that long.

I told her I had time to think about her decision, I understand and I know that you reestablish a relations with the ex you had four years ago, and I have to come to terms of it.She had in the past discuss some on her past relations with this guy during our relationship, only how she went to see him on valentines day and caught him in bed with another woman. Thats all I knew of him til later. A few months after we meet, we started becoming closer, then she a bad week and told me leave her alone, she had to be hospitalized a few days because she was put on new meds and they had to make sure they were working correctly.

A week went by and we gradually got back together, but she told me she cheated on me with a guy and she's sorry and we talked it out, I forgave her, and we moved on.Afterwards we came very close, we were best friends, we done everything together. It actually was a very loving and caring relationship. There were hints that we would make a complete commitment. Like I written in older posts that when she moved she suddenly broke up with me.

So back to the conversation in the car, she was telling me she was trying to put faith into God, trying to live a more spiritual life, which I agree thats a good step. She was saying she was reading about kings and in her own way was telling me how a woman has to be there for a man like he were a king.She said she is looking for security in her life, I ask what did I have to show, to make you feel more secure. She said ; dont change, I love who and how you were."

She was acting nervous the whole time we were talking, but started to ease up during our conversation.Out of no where , she said I feel in the long run he's going to hurt me". I ask what do you mean? Physically, mentality, what? She said in a all around way, that he leave her, but waiting to see if he will get mean" sayin he has issues he deals with. I'm thinking she means anger issues since she wouldn't discuss that part.She said that she's being more depress and having bad episodes every day again. I know from what I've seen so far she has been trying to maintain a better appearance, and saying she's trying to lose weight. She still isolates herself, doesn't respond to her family or friends like she use to do. She changed her number as well.I know her well enough to see she is changing, but I dont think it is totally in a positive way.

I do get on line trying to educate myself about our current situation. I do this because I know I am the right man to be in her life, and I feel she is somewhat torn between her past and her present.I know she loves me, but she is still dealing with her love for him as well, I feel in my heart this man is a manipulative controller.

You don't have to meet them or know them, just by mere words that she shared and by her actions display what she is trying to do. Its easy to see she is trying and doing whatever she can to win his approval. I am not there to know they interact verbally or whats his actions are. Ive discuss this with my personal friends about this and they too think he might be manipulative and controlling towards her, and she at the moment is not thinking with her brain but with her heart. That she thinks he will change to make the relationship work, as much as she is submissive towards him.

I think she is giving up her freedom and her individually in hopes he will change his ways.My gut tells me he's working his control knowing her mental state, her low self esteem, and her feelings towards him. It's really a shame I have to sit back and watch this take place to the woman I love with all my heart.When she left the car she said I better go I dont want to disrepect him...

So im torn between complete contact or periodically checking on her, showing I care and there for her?So I need advice?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

So who has PTSD here?

 

[Always have Hope!]

We both do, but she has had less time to work on hers, and she goes though up and down mood swings, and when its bad she isolate herself. Ive had 20 years to work on mine and have came to terms with most of it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Why are you trying to save her? (You can't.) Why are you being a doormat? (She repeatedly cheats on you, leaves you, etc but all is forgiven and you want her back.)

You think he's the master manipulator but it may be her who is doing the manipulating. Scratch that, she IS the one doing the manipulating. She's in his bed every night but sneaks around to see you and gives you a big sob story about how he's so mean and she must "serve" him. I think you're being played here.

Since she's thinking with her heart-----news flash, she does NOT want you! You are her second choice. You are her back up plan. Don't you think you deserve better? You're only an option to her, not a priority.

 

[Hashi]

I have to say you seem to have quite limited information, and all of it from her only. All you know for sure is that she cheated on you.

And I have to suspect that because of your feelings for her, it's likely that you yourself are perhaps thinking not with your brain but with your heart.

Who knows? Maybe this guy is manipulative and controlling. Maybe she is. Maybe he's telling his friends that you are.

If you're genuinely concerned about her well-being, then I think you need to be willing to accept that she's not with you, and to stop trying to get her back. Instead, to simply take the stance that you're worried for her sake and will be there to help and support her if she needs/wants that - but with no expectation and no attempts to resume the relationship between the two of you. In fact, with the expectation that the two of you will never have a relationship again. And no more telling her you love her or miss her, directly or indirectly.

If your hope is to get her away from him and get her back, then I would have to wonder how much your motivation is concern about her and how much is concern about your own interests. And then I would have to follow up on Solara's point and wonder about you having secret meetings in cars with someone who's in a relationship with somebody else.

 

[Always have Hope!]

Maybe your right, but my interest is my heart, but I'm still concern in what she said. Its not easy to just let go, we was in a relationship over a year. I wasn't sneaking I went to her apartment, I wouldn't have cared if he was there or not, he buded in my bussiness and I went there to talk to her not him. I don't hid nothing I do.

My motivation is to get her back, if I have to do no contact, oh well, if she came to me , I take her back. We don't know exactly all the facts. But it be a very long talk before I completely decided yes.

 

[anthony]

Relationships are just complicated... that is the simple reality of them. I'm not sure whether anyone is being saved, or simply more complications are occurring. That is up to you both within the relationship.

What I know is that you have to be sure what you feel is love, and not lust, or just a desire to have her back. Lust and love are equally similar, though one is short-term, one is long-term. Society today has a huge separation rate... and I believe most of that can be summated into that category of confusion, between lust and love. The honeymoon period of a relationship is the best part, but it's also the most inaccurate aspect for a long-term relationship, though is the foundation of lust.

I think you need to be sure of not just your feelings, but hers. When a person wants to get out of one relationship and needs support, they call it a rebound for good reason. This is then different again to when a relationship has really stopped being a relationship months or years, though two people are still together because of familiarly and not much else. When one leaves, both parties often can just move on much easier, even into other relationships without being a rebound.

The problems that I see in the above, is you both have history together, none of which seems longevity and trusting, and maybe should remain what it is... friends. Friends with benefits is still friends... (lust) and not love.

You will know what is right for you, but does she really know what is right for her?

 

[Hashi]

I wasnt sneaking i went to her apartment,

No, but did you then have a secret meeting in her car when she asked you to? When she didn't invite you into the apartment to talk?

In my view you can make it complicated or you can make it simple. Even if you do feel love, that doesn't mean someone else is controlling and manipulative just because he is with your ex and you aren't. He could be, but then that takes me back to whether you want to help her for her sake purely or because you have an interest. If you have an interest maybe you can't be that objective about him. So it might be best to keep it about you and her.

 

[anthony]

The other problem which is more accurate than not, is that a person only tells you their side of the story, which is often misleading as it leaves out facts that would change your mind to not only support them. It is human nature to manipulate to garnish self-support.

 

[Always have Hope!]

I agree on some of your commits and I'm reviewing in your opinion perspective. But we did have a loving relationship. Maybe I am going by just what she said, thats all I have to go by. But common sense still shows the fact where was he, if he loved her so much when she had the brain surgery and her trauma she deals with now, nowhere, I was there. Maybe I'll never be her again, thats life, and I have to go on.

Then like you said I will leave it between to only me and her, we did have a great friendship beside the fact we ended up in a relationship. So when I showed up, I ask if we could talk, or do you want me to leave, she made her own mine up to chat for a few. She has that freedom to just talk does she not?

Dont you think since we had a long relationship and they do not live together she can make up her own mind, if she wanted to talk, I feel we both have the right to communicate. How else can we ever fix our relationship or finually come to a closure. Would you just stop trying at first, maybe she has doults for him, me or both, lol. But overall I care deeply for her, I was with her over a year I seen her pain and illness, and I seen progress when we was at our peck in the relations. I see her fallling back into isolation and depression, its a heartache seeing it.

I have enough love for her for her to be happy with or without me, I guess my heart over rides my brain, love can be hurtful, I know I cant write a book sharing how our relationship was, it was special, we both agree on that.

She told me a few weeks go how can she ever move on in life with me, with her loving him, I see her point. She eithers go on and hopefully happy with him or if she was telling me the truth , if she decides to let go of him, then maybe we can have a future, only God knows this.

 

[anthony]

She told me a few weeks go how can she ever move on in life with me, with her loving him, I see her point. She eithers go on and hopefully happy with him or if she was telling me the truth , if she decides to let go of him, then maybe we can have a future, only God knows this.

This is an issue, and something you are disregarding. On the one hand you say she can makeup her own mind and make her own decisions, though on the other hand she made a decision and told you, yet you aren't accepting her decision and you're still talking about having a relationship with her again.

She made a decision that you don't like, and thus you aren't respecting her decisions at all, as you claim.

 

[The Albatross]

Personally I'd stick to what she actually said and avoid conjecture or insinuation on your part. I know for myself, my gut can be wrong.... it's about a fifty fifty proposition. If she loves the guy, she loves him and not much will sway her for a while. There is a lot in your post that is confusing to me. She is clearly aiming to attempt to please the guy she is with and is signaling to you her fears... that he will leave her.

I think that you are best served sticking to what she said, nix the rest.