I'm I only good for sex?

[HollowLavender]

Hi I have been struggling with CPTSD and I have been struggling with the core belief that my only real use is being a sexual object. I was assaulted in a nightclub when I was 22 (I'm 31 now) and I don't remember much except for freezing and the feeling of him grabbing my arm and throwing me against the wall. When I told my family they didn't take it well. My sister was assaulted and she was showered with sympathy and understanding. When I was attacked I was called a whore and my other sister said "can you even rape a drunk whore?" I struggle with believing everyone sees me as just a whore so why bother trying to be anything else? I might as well play the part I'm assigned. I know I naturally have a larger then average libido but I sometimes go out when I'm depressed just to feel anything or that I'm good for something. I've lost BFs because I can't stop having unprotected sex with strangers because they show me any interest and the worst part is I feel unable to say No to anything. I told my friend when we were talking about it "they won't respect if you say no anyway so never say no it hurts less because you agreed to it." And I actually feel that way now any attempt to say no has been ignored. My best friend told me I was assaulted a second time by a stranger but I genuinely can't tell. I asked for a break and he refused and when I told him to be more gentle he forced me to take a second thing inside me and I bleed for a while after but I had him over so it was my fault right?

I want a real relationship and I want someone to love me but I know I can't if I hold on to this belief but the idea of trying to find a different purpose is paralyzing. If I try and I fail that hurts worse then being a toy. I feel trapped and I can't figure out what to do. Am I broken?

 

[Sideways]

Definitely not broken.

Corr beliefs are really hard to shift, but they definitely can, bit by bit. Are you working with a therapist on this?

 

[HollowLavender]

Definitely not broken.

Corr beliefs are really hard to shift, but they definitely can, bit by bit. Are you working with a therapist on this?

I have been but it doesn't seem to make any difference.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

My sister was assaulted and she was showered with sympathy and understanding. When I was attacked I was called a whore and my other sister said "can you even rape a drunk whore?"

i’m so sorry


we’re always more than our abusers have made us out to be, no matter the circumstances.


sex with strangers is dangerous, would you consider looking for a therapist who works better for you to unpack some of this? T searching is very trial and error but a good one is great. takes ages to get anywhere with trauma but the support along the way is worth it.

I asked for a break and he refused and when I told him to be more gentle he forced me to take a second thing inside me and I bleed for a while after but I had him over so it was my fault right?

absolutely not. we’re obligated to not rape one another.
i initiated meeting someone, wasn’t of capacity, on a good day i know it wasn’t my fault what he did to me.
allow them responsibility for their actions. how can you have made the decision to do something that awful to you for them?


core beliefs are the stinkers. slowly im working at one of mine that lead me to the situation where i got raped (still not my fault though). i think you can get there too.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I am on the other side of a similar situation. I am currently involved with an old girlfriend who also has a strong libido and we have great sex. But I feel she isn’t giving herself credit for the other aspects of her value as a person. It sets up a situation where I want a more rounded relationship but this sets me up to be a rescuer and that is something I don’t want to do. It would be nice to have intimate conversations that are not always charged with sexual innuendo. That said, I am not looking to change someone. She is a people pleaser. I think she sells herself short. We dated for 2 or 3 years decades ago and we have only been dating again for a short time so maybe things will settle in. I hope so as she really is a lovely person. She has a trauma history so I am sensitive to that. I really don’t know where this relationship is going to go. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. You are a valuable person, you are not broken, we trauma survivors have to deal with all sorts of manifestations of our trauma. We are all in the same boat trying to sort all this stuff out.

 

[arfie]

empathy, lavender. i believe my own libido was strong by nature and child prostitution training nurtured that nature into hyper-sexuality. and i do mean hyper. i couldn't quite understand why everybody kept saying, "whore" like it was a bad thing. good girls go to heaven. bad girls go everywhere else. the good girl trip looked lonely and limited to my eyes.

back in the radical 70's it was suggested that i channel that hyper-sexuality instead of trying to repress it. i channeled to the point of being a serial rapist, protected by the cultural delusion that men can't be raped. for sure, not a one of them ever pressed charges, even though a few of them were smart enough to realize it.

the channeling worked for me far enough for me to have stabilized into a 45 year relationship with a truly magnificent partner. the channeling helped me develop an acute and accurate eye for good and compassionate men.

but that is me and every case is unique.

steadying support while you sort your own case.

 

[Movingforward10]

What you're experiencing is really common. I was the same.
My thoughts were: easier not to say no as saying no and it happening anyway is too difficult to comprehend. Also, I was unconiously seeking out the feelings of abuse by taking sexual risks, so pushed sand pushed the boundaries of what I 'consented' to to justify feelings of self hate and reduce my sense of self worth.
And I totally believed I was only good for sex.

But, it is possible to change all this. Personally, I think it comes from learning to believe that the assaults and rapes weren't your fault (I believed I was a rapist because I allowed them to rape me .....some weird child logic that I had).
And that the blame and responsibility of what happened doesn't lie within you.
And that you are worthy and wonderful.
And that you deserve self care and compassion.

All those concepts, for me, felt not for me. But working through it all with a therapist helped me change so much. I'm a different person now.
I only have sex now when I truly desire it. I am able to say no. I can communicate. I also have made peace with what happened.
It's possible to heal. There is hope.

 

[Applecore]

Just saying, in case it's worth remembering: there are very many men out there who don't want sex above all else. Some would even prefer to go fishing in silence if the alternative is sex with drama, stress and crazy.

The noisy, sexually assertive men out there may create a stereotype about all men, which is inaccurate. If a (hetero) woman removes the assumption that sex is every man's priority, a new world may open for her.

After all, we're all getting less physically attractive every day. Might as well find value in additional things, like companionship, shared interests and humour.

 

[Friday]

the idea of trying to find a different purpose is paralyzing

Of course it is.

Because you’re NOT over the moon thrilled, proud, all-the-things about having sex… it’s not “your” purpose, that you’ve chosen for you; it’s a general mishmash (the good, the bad, the rapist assholes) of what random people want from you. As personally defining as other people asking you for fries with their order.

((And I’m saying this as someone who has woken up with a grin on my face, thrilled to start the day, because my entire purpose for the next 72hours -or whatever time period, starting right here, right now- is to be having sex. It’s not that sex isn’t a worthwhile purpose; personally, professionally, temporarily, or long term. Nor that sex cannot be many different things, to even the same person; deeply meaningful, a sport, a grounding tool, a way to feel connected, a way to distance, a waste of time, a way to feel alive, a way to punish, baby making, relationship cementing, relationship ending, exciting, boring, purpose/sense/meaning, a nice way to wake up, a horrible way to, etc., etc., etc… whatever. Tons and tons of things sex can be. To even one person. A whooooooooole helluva lotta different things to different people.))

So why am I asserting that sex isn’t your purpose?

What someone else wants from you? Isn’t your purpose. Isn’t your raison d'etre.

So, in order to find a “new purpose”, you’re using the same logic/algorithm being a sexual object is…. Would mean attempting to somehow predict what a few billion people might possibly want from you at any given moment??? That Q would paralyze a supercomputer. It’s an impossible task.

Sex in a venue where people are looking for sex? That’s simple. Attempting to translate that, however, shows the fault in the logic. Because it cannot translate. Because what other people want from you? Is not all you’re good for, your purpose, your reason for being. Even if you’re amaaaaaazing at it, and love it, other people’s needs/wants do not define you.

^^^ Don’t get me wrong, it is a SUPER EASY trap to fall into… as most people spend their entire lives attempting to find meaning/purpose in their lives (it’s not that people don’t find the answer, it’s that the answer changes, over time, in changing lives)… but it’s a logic fallacy. A ≠ B. Faulty premise.

***

Wanna know WHAT’S EVEN WORSE??? (Probably not! I wouldn’t, anyway. Gonna brazen it out though, and keep going. As it may be useful.)

Certain kinds of traumas all but hardwire attempting to predict what someone else will want (and how, when, etc.) before they, themselves, want it. Its not the cognitive distortion of mind reading, It’s a survival mechanism* that sets one’s self (identity, desire, dreams, ambitions, agency, creativity, interests, passions, thoughts, feelings, etc.) HARD… in order to focus/hyperfocus on the other person/people/situation. The only thing that’s “real” is what THEY need/want/think/feel. <<< Take away the trauma, though??? And setting yourself aside to hyperfocus on others doesn’t just vanish. It is a hard won seeeeeerious skill set (that can actually be put to good use, for yourself and others, when used on purpose in limited ways, instead of with every breath, in every situation, with no discrimination, & increasingly less accurate results… as one responds to the present as if it’s the past, or is even reliving the past overlaid on the present).

***
HUGE, damn good Q. (And no durn wonder you freeze when trying to answer it! Seriously.)

If I try and I fail that hurts worse then being a toy.

You’ve got cognitive distortions & core beliefs.
You’ve got lessons learned in trauma & survival skills.
You’ve got boundaries & identity, scripts & schemas, expectations vs reality, complexities of relationships.
Hell… You’ve got the goldurned meaning of life
(as well as several other things in play but meaning of life is gonna end this list)

So pleeeeeeeaase stop beating yourself up for not just being able to snap your fingers and make it happen, zero failing. Please, please, please.

You’re attempting huge things. There will be a learning curve. Lots of them. There will be falling flat on your face. That’s not wrong. And that’s not because you’re broken… The opposite.

 

[Susan Jane]

Hi I have been struggling with CPTSD and I have been struggling with the core belief that my only real use is being a sexual object. I was assaulted in a nightclub when I was 22 (I'm 31 now) and I don't remember much except for freezing and the feeling of him grabbing my arm and throwing me against the wall. When I told my family they didn't take it well. My sister was assaulted and she was showered with sympathy and understanding. When I was attacked I was called a whore and my other sister said "can you even rape a drunk whore?" I struggle with believing everyone sees me as just a whore so why bother trying to be anything else? I might as well play the part I'm assigned. I know I naturally have a larger then average libido but I sometimes go out when I'm depressed just to feel anything or that I'm good for something. I've lost BFs because I can't stop having unprotected sex with strangers because they show me any interest and the worst part is I feel unable to say No to anything. I told my friend when we were talking about it "they won't respect if you say no anyway so never say no it hurts less because you agreed to it." And I actually feel that way now any attempt to say no has been ignored. My best friend told me I was assaulted a second time by a stranger but I genuinely can't tell. I asked for a break and he refused and when I told him to be more gentle he forced me to take a second thing inside me and I bleed for a while after but I had him over so it was my fault right?

I want a real relationship and I want someone to love me but I know I can't if I hold on to this belief but the idea of trying to find a different purpose is paralyzing. If I try and I fail that hurts worse then being a toy. I feel trapped and I can't figure out what to do. Am I broken?

Hello HollowLavender, It took me a while to respond because it was a hard subject matter for me. Firstly no you are not broken. I know it can feel that way, especially when it comes to sexuality. I am a bit older but was very active sexually between the ages of 17-31. Actually I probably had enough to last a lifetime. Funny thing was I didn’t actually enjoy most of it. I was looking for security and love, which doesn’t always gel with sex with strangers or people I hardly knew much about. It was an impulse I found hard to stop. I did it mostly intoxicated so I could plead ignorance should I get called out. Long story short… they are memories I would prefer not to have. It isn’t about the sex itself, but the horrible way I treated myself and my body. Societal rules makes us vulnerable to judging ourselves harshly for our sexuality. I grew up with good girls don’t… boys are legends. All sort of crap I don’t believe. I haven’t had sex for a long time, not because I cannot find someone, but because I need to be with someone I care about. Unfortunately I haven’t found that, and so now and again I have slept with someone I still love from my past. That was better but unfortunately in the end it made me lonely. You are not only good for sex and it is not your purpose, but I understand your drawn to it. I really relate! Be kind to yourself and the fact that you are questioning it means… you will probably figure it out.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

You are not broken.

Lots of men out there, they arent the right ones for you.

If it's not fun, not enjoyable and not something you want, it should stop. Your wishes are not being respected, that's not you, it's them.

Odd to say but there is more to good sex, than just sex. Respect yourself, be kind to yourself, I would, many others would too.

 

[Rose White]

@HollowLavender I’m really glad you brought this up. I want to talk about it at some point but don’t have the words currently. Following along until something bubbles up for me.