Love vs lust and everything in between

[Dire Parsnip]

I think that if you aren't sure if you were in love then you weren't. I still love my ex even though he didn't love me. Its that feeling of wanting the best for the person. There are centuries of poetry trying to describe romantic love. Its not easy to communicate but you know it when you feel it.
Sometimes though with ptsd we put our feelings behind a wall or at the bottom of a well and love gets shoved into that hidden space along with fear and misery. So maybe if you peer into your darkest corners you'll find you did love her, you just couldn't feel it without feeling all the other stuff too.

 

[Mee]

Bhuddists have four aspects of love that I think are worth considering.


I think a really important thing is love is quiet. While it needs choice and prioritisation it does NOT need drama , noise and selfishness. A lot of things we today especially in the West think of A’s love are trauma bonds, limerance, and lust.

Love should bring peace, not disturbance and confusion.

I will be truthful ; I think I am a good wife and good at relationships in the most part but I almost missed love. It was so quiet I did not notice it. But it was reliable. It was reciprocated. It was easy to talk. It was easy to make space for others ( friends , family) because the partner and I were secure in each other.

For us love was quick but I was sensible and refused to make any commitment that was difficult to walk away from in case We were wrong. We weren’t. We have been together since our very early twenties ( very young for our circumstances) and through other things we are each other’s still calmness. Not without change, not without disagreeing, not without problem : but I have always felt a priority to him and he has always been to me ( well, I let the side down now but pulling my weight for our relationship is a strong motivation).

Love is quiet. Reciprocated. It makes you want to make YOURSELF better, not fix them.

 

[mumstheword]

So many beautiful, loving and wise words on this thread. I really like it.
I will try to explain my answer, in my own words...Not so easy ... such a loaded, deep feeling, central and motivating part of life that is the most life-altering transformative force-for-good, that I know.

I am assuming it is the eros kind of love that is in question here? Being entwined with lust ...lust being primarily biological, the urge to do what the body is designed to do, really, to motivate us, and/or trick us into procreating.

It worked a treat for me, I ended up birthing 7 humans.

Also limerance can be a forerunner or a companion of "love" - the crushy, infactuatey, delicious hormone- cocktail, loins-stirring obsession.

I had that with my current partner, after a short while of knowing him, but it wasn't immediate ...the first thing was, we could talk, it was flowy, effortless, engaging, mutual interests and compatible points of view.

The "falling in love" was like being struck by warm, blissful, uplifting, transcendent lightening. It was looking at him and really SEEING him, looking into his eyes I could "see" the light and warmth and aliveness of his soul. I felt safe, wondrous, transfixed, transported...

But it took friendship to create a foundation for a long term, sustainable relationship.

We are both PTSDy; lots of relationship trauma, having long term abuse, and violence perpetuated upon us, so the trust took a long time to build.

Especially on his part, he was very relationship and woman-shy, very burnt, very hurt, as I was, but I had this major crush and lust and infatuation thing happening that made me a crazy bitch.

Not bitchy, but definitely "madly in love" as I was very, very unwell at the time, maniacally, acutely, devastatingly ill, on many, many levels, but not nasty, not dishonest, not disrespectful. I was cracked, beside myself, not sleeping, in constant physical agony, and I was A LOT to handle. Too much for him.

I forgave that though, I wanted the friendship much more than any control, even though I lusted for him something chronic.

It took time, self control, individual responsibility, lots of honest communication, deep courage, heaps of patience and consideration for the other, maturity that comes from being a commited parent (we both brought children from previous relationships into the relationship) the understanding and compassion born of deep suffering, that we recognised we both deal with/have dealt with for the better part of our lives.

Truly that understanding and compassion is the glue, that and the willingness to grow, to truly reveal ourselves to the other, to not inflict suffering outwards, but to be attentive to the others signs, needs, moods, failings, incapacities, no-go-zones, or at least not-yet-zones.

It is a gracious growing and seeing the other as a sovereign being who chooses, and who's right to choose is sacred and immutable.

A deep respect for the obstables surmounted and the time needed to surmount yet more obstacles and being allowed to fail, get things wrong and have the other honestly and kindly support and give the grace needed to learn to truly thrive. Something like that, anyway...:-)

 

[Mee]

@mumstheword that is beautiful!

I think I have an advantage because I am demisexual; I think I have only had ‘the whole package’ Eros love twice despite more relationships and I have been aware of that at the time.

My T had not heard of ‘demisexual’ and when I explained it to her she said ‘oh, so normal?’. And seems to feel demisexual is an embodiment of not objectifying. I don’t think it’s ‘noble’ in intent, it’s just how I am; no celeb crushes etc even in teens. I can see and love beauty but it doesn’t make me ‘lustful’

 

[Autumn Breeze]

I think I really loved my first husband. He was my one and only. I knew the “being in love” phase was just temporary. I remember saying to him, “I can’t wait to be sick of you.“ Be careful what you wish for. What I meant was, I wanted to be able to feel the real emotions, real love. And because I had CPTSD, in my mind love was like a rubber band. I would pull away. But then I would snap back into love. Pull away, come close, pull away, come close. I don’t think he enjoyed the ride.

During our break up eight years later, I remember saying, “I don’t care if you’re happy. This is a marriage. Happiness doesn’t have anything to do with it.“ He thought he should be happy, that I never was going to be happy, he could never make me happy, and one day he was going to come home and find me dead and he was tired of dreading it.

My second husband shared the opinion that he should be happy. Unfortunately, both of my husbands probably had CPTSD issues of their own, and of course no one was happy even though we loved each other a lot.

As I approach 50, I’m thinking love is a simple idea. But understanding what makes us happy, communicating to others what makes us happy, trying to manipulate others into making us happy, or allowing others to manipulate us into making them happy are issues that play a far greater role in what is going wrong in our love lives. Sometimes misery loves company. Sometimes we are incapable of feeling anything for our partner, or our partner is incapable of supporting us emotionally when we need them the most. And then there are self-destructive and self abandonment issues on top of everything else. Many times the truths we speak in the heat of the moment are just too much. Our spouses are not trained therapists, and should not be held responsible for our progress or lack thereof.

Like you, I’m here searching for answers too. Keep searching, don’t give up.

 

[shatter eyes]

PTSd sucks