Relationship My Ex Husband Suffers From Ptsd, Am I A Carer, Or Is He Using Me

[army family]

Wow, I have started this post at least 5 times. Maybe I am writing too slowly. I will tell my story as quickly as I can. Then PLEASE provide me with input.

My husband and I married before the army. During his 6 deployment he emailed me breaking off our 10 year marriage. Later I found out that when he called me last we fought, I yelled at him and so on. What really ended up ending our marriage was that the day he called me was to get love, comfort, compassion because he had just been in a fire fight and his friend that was right next to him was killed. It took a long time for him to tell me why 1 fight ended our 10 year marriage.

We split up 6 years ago and since then he has been deployed 3 more times. We have 2 kids together. He visited them 1 time and never saw them or me again.

Every once in a while he calls me. It's never to just chat, its always for him to tell me about something horrible that happened. Then he goes on to tell me he misses me, loves me, wants to work things out. Then it changes to how I never really loved him, I was so mean to him, then to how nothing matters without me in his life, then to how I screwed him over... Roller coaster ride. Then he cuts off communication for 6-12 months and then it starts all over again.

This has gone on for 5-6 years. 8 months ago he started treatment. He is a Special Forces soldier (Green Beret)

I asked him who he talks to when he can't talk to his team, he said he reaches out to me.

Things I know to be true:
He loves me but resents me too.
He loves his kids and wants to be a dad, but he doesn't visit.
He knows he is suffering from PTSD because he is actively getting therapy.

Things I wish I knew:
Is he still in love with me.
When he pushes me away, should I fight for him to talk to me.
Can I be a carer or do we have to much history?
Is it wrong that I am still in love with him?

 

[rightkindofme]

He probably loves you. If you fight for him to talk to you it may blow up in your face and you will receive a lot more abuse.

You could be in a relationship with him if he fixes his $h!t and acts like a grown up partner. You need to have strong boundaries around what you will and will not accept. It is very hard to choose to be alone instead of being abused but it is important.

It isn't wrong to love. Ever. Sometimes it isn't "good" for you, but it isn't wrong. Love is good. We need more love in the world. Just because you love him that doesn't mean you let him abuse you.

I love my mother so much that I feel like I will explode. I have not spoken with her in years and I doubt I ever will again. I love her. I just cannot allow her to hurt me any more.

I'm really sorry. Doing this with kids is so much harder.

 

[dms]

It is very hard to choose to be alone instead of being abused but it is important.

This is so true. Especially for a person like myself who suffers from PTSD and severe abandonment issue. Good Luck army family.

 

[grey eyes]

I agree he does love you. But his heads messed up. Maybe stops contact so he doesn't inflict more pain on you. Maybe he hopes that if one day he is fixed he can at least make things up to you. You care and your children will see this and get great strength from it.

But beware.....he hasto understand this is his problem not yours and you must only take from him what is fair.