Relationship SHE MESSAGED ME! Need advice ASAP

[concernedboyfriend]

Take the message for what actually it states. Try to avoid reading into it or what it seems to ask.

Please elaborate. If she doesn't know what to do, then it seems to me she doesn't know of the need for space ever ends. I'm half tempted to send her the stress cup explanation. I know quite a few people with PTSD, several close friends in fact. She however knows no one else like her, never stayed in therapy for long, and feels like shes alone in the world.
It seems clear to me that she needs to know that I wont give up if she doesn't give up, that I'll be here for her even if she needs alot more time.
For me, moving on and giving space are the exact same courses of action. I'm not in the dating game, don't want to be. I have my nerdy life of hanging out at hobby stores, getting drunk with my friends, and going to concerts. If she wants to be a part of it. Cool. If she doesn't, that's also cool.

 

[concernedboyfriend]

@Friday
I get what you're saying. I guess to me it seemed more like advice giving than giving commands idk.
Perhaps I'm too used to people in my life telling me what I need, and have internalized that as normal.

 

[concernedboyfriend]

What you’re proposing? Is very little different. If more personal. She said hi. You’ve taken that as leave to tell her to stop drinking, and explain isolation, and tell her all about her own life and what she needs, and ABCDEFGHIJK.... :eek:

Slow down.

Boundaries. As in not barrelling through them.

I'm just spitballing here. My gut instinct is that I agree with you that it's a bad idea, but I felt the need to throw it out there for confirmation. I don't always trust my gut feelings.
All I REALLY want to say to her is that I'm okay. That I'll still be here, and that we should give it more time and see what happens. I just wasn't sure if that's enough. Considering the replies I'm getting, I guess it is.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You may honestly think you're not trying to fix her, but wanting to explain things to her so she'll feel better, or trying to explain to her that her isolation is just a normal part of PTSD and it's needs to end, etc. *is* trying to fix her. You're not a qualified mental health professional. While you may understand more about PTSD now than you did before, it's still only rudimentary knowledge that will help you as a supporter cope. It's not nearly enough to help her. We can't fix our partners... I wish we could, trust me.

As far as not reading into the message... she says

"Hey, just want you to know I haven't forgotten about you and I'm having a weird time with things. I know this has been frustrating for you and I'm sorry. I really don't know what to do"

She says she hasn't forgotten about you.

She's not doing well with feelings.

She's sorry she's hurt/frustrated you.

She doesn't know what to do (aka she's feeling confused)

She doesn't say she wants help. She doesn't ask you what to do, or for help. She's not asking for reassurance. She told you a series of factual *I* statements about what's she's feeling.

Let her know you hear what she's saying. "I understand you're having a hard time."

Tell her you can respect her boundaries. "I'm happy to give you the space you need."

Really, truely, that's gonna get you way more mileage than 100 "I'll never give up on you baby"s. Only if you mean it though... if you tell her you'll give her space, you have to be able to give her space or she won't trust you. Boundaries.

 

[Justmehere]

If she doesn't know what to do, then it seems to me she doesn't know of the need for space ever ends. I'm half tempted to send her the stress cup explanation.

If I was isolating from someone who I knew was very frustrated about it, and I monetarily connected to apologize, and they responded with trying to fix me, pathologize me, or even educate me with I asked for advice, I’d run far away.

Instead, if you want to talk about treatment, talk about yourself. Tell her you are ok and you are working on your own stuff in therapy. It may normalize it a bit.

Keep it really simple.

 

[EveHarrington]

"Oh hey, I'm glad to hear from you! I'm sorry things have been weird for you lately. Is there anything I can do for you?"

This will go SOOOOO much farther than anything you've proposed saying to her. Please believe me.

 

[Freida]

From the world of an sufferer/isolater....

"Hey, just want you to know I haven't forgotten about you and I'm having a weird time with things. I know this has been frustrating for you and I'm sorry. I really don't know what to do"

If this came from me it would be translated as.....
Just letting you know nothing has changed since the last time I talked to you. I'm sorry I'm being bitchy, sorry you are frustrated, and I still don't have my head out of my ass so I don't know if you will ever hear from me again or not.

I wont abandon you even if you need many months. I deeply care about you and I'll still be here"

NEVER. NEVER. NEVER. make promises you can't keep. And you cannot keep this. Your intentions are honorable and your heart is in the right place. But you have no idea what tomorrow holds. So you cannot guarantee her that you will still be around in a year or so. And you may not want to. If I know I have an unlimited time before I have to come back chances are I'm going to take it. Not because I don't love you, but because it's hard to do this work and I'll take any excuse to put it off.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Ok, a text saying "I'm glad you are well. I have been thinking about you as well. I am here now if you are ready to talk further" and leave it at that. She knows what she needs. No one needs to remind her that she needs to stop drinking or that she needs space, why she needs space, and most certianly do not tell her that you will be here for her forever. You do not know that. Keep it simple...silly!

 

[concernedboyfriend]

Thanks for the suggestions. I'll try to do my best. I feel like I'm stepping blind into a minefield here. It's especially confusing because her last message from weeks ago seemed to imply she wanted me to try moving on

 

[shimmerz]

"I'll never give up on you baby"s.

In my experience, people telling me that they will never give up on me comes loaded with a whole heck of a lot of expectations that quite honestly there is no way that I can shore up to and scares the crap out of me.

Nobody needs to talk about giving up unless they have.

It sounds like, with the two of you leaning towards drinking as a coping mechanism that the best idea here is to go to therapy together and start basing your relationship on mindful ways of supporting each other.

 

[concernedboyfriend]

@shimmerz honestly I had stopped drinking for a couple years until I met her. Shes such a lightweight that its not excessive by normal college kid standards, but... a coping mechanism is a coping mechanism. The negative affects on her symptoms were... noticeable

 

[solemn93]

OP here, I've registered since I figure I'll be around for awhile.