I was diagnosed with cPTSD at the start of the year due to emotional and sexual abuse, and I've been engaging in EMDR therapy which has mostly been a big help so far. However, there is one particular trigger that I can't seem to overcome, or even work on properly, and it's majorly affecting my relationship. My boyfriend is the most understanding, patient, sensitive, and supportive man I have across, and defies pretty much all stereotypes of the typical "useless/tactless/impulsive man". He's been exceptional during my healing journey and has been a real catalyst in some ways, making a real effort to be super aware and knowledgeable of my triggers.
However, he on occasion watches porn. This is a really big trigger of mine, however I don't want to be "that woman" that starts putting rules in place and denying him things. He says that he's an occasional watcher for his sexual self-expression, and tries to watch it ethically (though I find it impossible to believe any porn can be 100% ethical due to a previous traumatic experience) and has reassured me countless times that he watches it because he's already turned on and not because he's seeking out other women to ogle at. I was starting to make a bit of progress with the trigger at therapy however got completely set back during an incident - one morning, on a day he was coming over to stay, I had a really awful feeling of dread in my stomach and asked him if he had watched it after waking up, and he said that he had. This completely undid my progress for a couple of reasons - one, the fact that he had been watching it when I had happened to ask made me feel like he is watching it more than I thought (which my rational brain knows is highly unlikely, but still), and two, the fact that he watched it mere hours before coming over to see me made me feel so disrespected and like I wasn't a sexual priority for him, and this in particular hit me really hard as I just couldn't understand why he'd need to watch porn when he was about to see me. He has promised never to use porn on a day when he is going to see me now, but that only made a slight difference to how triggered I can now feel.
Recently I've had way more intrusive thoughts regarding porn and I tend to become suicidal with them - this is happening eight or nine times a day. Everything else in our relationship is perfect and I really want to work on this so I can be someone that isn't bothered by this (I don't believe I used to be so bothered by it years ago) and not restrict my boyfriend in anyway. It's so painful though that I'm starting to feel like I just can't do it, and I'm worried that I'm going to be this way forever (which I know is a classic PTSD thing, but it's so hard not to succumb to my traumatised brain here). Has anyone else experienced something similar, and how did you cope or deal with it? I really want our relationship to work but this one thing is making me miserable and I just don't know how long I can cope with it as it doesn't feel like there's an end in sight.
However, he on occasion watches porn. This is a really big trigger of mine, however I don't want to be "that woman" that starts putting rules in place and denying him things. He says that he's an occasional watcher for his sexual self-expression, and tries to watch it ethically (though I find it impossible to believe any porn can be 100% ethical due to a previous traumatic experience) and has reassured me countless times that he watches it because he's already turned on and not because he's seeking out other women to ogle at. I was starting to make a bit of progress with the trigger at therapy however got completely set back during an incident - one morning, on a day he was coming over to stay, I had a really awful feeling of dread in my stomach and asked him if he had watched it after waking up, and he said that he had. This completely undid my progress for a couple of reasons - one, the fact that he had been watching it when I had happened to ask made me feel like he is watching it more than I thought (which my rational brain knows is highly unlikely, but still), and two, the fact that he watched it mere hours before coming over to see me made me feel so disrespected and like I wasn't a sexual priority for him, and this in particular hit me really hard as I just couldn't understand why he'd need to watch porn when he was about to see me. He has promised never to use porn on a day when he is going to see me now, but that only made a slight difference to how triggered I can now feel.
Recently I've had way more intrusive thoughts regarding porn and I tend to become suicidal with them - this is happening eight or nine times a day. Everything else in our relationship is perfect and I really want to work on this so I can be someone that isn't bothered by this (I don't believe I used to be so bothered by it years ago) and not restrict my boyfriend in anyway. It's so painful though that I'm starting to feel like I just can't do it, and I'm worried that I'm going to be this way forever (which I know is a classic PTSD thing, but it's so hard not to succumb to my traumatised brain here). Has anyone else experienced something similar, and how did you cope or deal with it? I really want our relationship to work but this one thing is making me miserable and I just don't know how long I can cope with it as it doesn't feel like there's an end in sight.