Muttly
MyPTSD Pro
As I am having troubles really letting this go, I am going to make a post. I will try not to make it be too long. So background, I have been seeing my T for over 6 or 7 years now. And up until this year it has been good. Starting November of last year my life got hard. I was having significant financial issues which ended in my home. I managed to work it so I found a place to live with my pets so it ends well but it was rough. And I lost a lot. Oh well. And my dog died. I loved her more than I've ever loved anyone, human or animal. Around the same time my T was dealing with health issues and for a while had no hot water and her life was super stressful. And then covid hit and life got even crazier. My insurance will not reimburse me for anything right now for my T because she's out of network and they don't cover telehealth out of network. So T is giving me a super discounted rate. Virtually free. I totally appreciate this. And feel bad. I know it's her choice but I definitely don't want to take advantage.
She was a bit inconsistent in her availability for scheduling and communication but she had a lot going on. I got it. It wasn't too bad so I just moved on. And this summer it felt like I'd made a lot of progress and was doing the best I had in years (decades?). We went to once a month. And then things started to fall apart for me. I crashed. And she was still a bit inconsistent in her communication and availability. And there was a point where she'd said we could talk and asked my schedule and said in worst case we could briefly touch base over the weekend. And then she didn't respond to my email about my availability and talking and diidn't follow up and nothing happened. So a protector came out and said she'd been a little flaky.
T will insist that didn't upset her and she's been very honest with us, but this is one point where we don't believe her. Partially because at one point she did say the comment was a bit triggering. Partially because of her tone of voice. And I feel really bad. What we said, we didn't mean as the criticism it came out as. We have flaky friends. We are flaky. We are comfortable with flaky. Anyway, T and us talked a lot about this and it seemed like we worked things out. It was a hard process. One of the comments she made, that we tried to let go of but obviously stuck is how much money she could have been making if I was a full paying client. She said that in the context of making us understand that if this isn't working for us, then it doesn't make sense to continue? (something like that). And to show how dedicated she is to us. And we know that. We know she's been super helpful and giving and we deeply appreciate that.
But problems with scheduling have persisted. And maybe we haven't been as pushy about that as possible because we are the client who is basically not paying. We have brought it up multiple times and asked to be put on a cancel list. And she has been less responsive to emails. But she had another surgery so that's understandable. So we've been maybe holding back some. And maybe we haven't been communicating what we should have done. So we sent her an email when we were super melty.
The reply we got back and it's thrown us for a loop. She told us she can't help us. Said that several times. She said we have shown no resolve in us to separate the past from the present. That we don't care about our insiders. That similar to someone who is drinking or doing drugs, we are doing stuff that is harmful and makes therapy ineffective. Etc. And .... either her current perception of us is way off or our perception of us is way off.
I mean, it wasn't like nothing she said is true. We haven't stopped feeling the impact of anniversaries. It;s gotten better though. We do still sometimes talk about past stuff (I thought that's what therapy was for?). We were engaging in unhealthy bdsm behavior that was replaying old stuff. We stopped that and have been transitioning to a healthier kink life-style. And we've expressed questions and concerns about that, because it has been only unhealthy for us in the past. But we've also shared progress and healing experiences with T. And it seemed like T was supportive of that. We had slipped into not eating enough again. That's true. In the last session though, we had agreed to work on that and have. She mentioned us intentionally not sleeping or resting and I don't even know where the f*ck she's gotten that except we've been talking about issues with fatigue for months now. We also mentioned multiple times setting up an appointment with the psych nurse to try meds again.She never once responded to that. We did finally do it (next week is the appointment). And that's one of the steps we are trying to take to see if the fatigue is depression or something else. Taking care of the body is one of the biggest ways we have changed. I guess T hasn't realized that. And the comment about the insiders hurt the most. Because the last session was all about the insiders. And we spent time creating a hiding space for everyone. That's what T wanted and we did it. Some in session and more later. We sent her an email after that about how it helped and we were working on making hiding spaces for everyone. So to get that comment from her really hurt. Like what we worked on didn't matter.
So we sent an email back to her going into the things we do to take care of the body. How we've been talking about fatigue for ages and that we had gone to the doctor to rule out continued sinus infection issues and had scheduled a psych nurse appointment. Pointed out that much of the time in our emails to her and in session, we been talking about current stuff- work, our dog, covid, and the bdsm. That the present is a huge part of our life. Said how we talk to her about the struggles because we thought that's what therapy was for. Asked if she wanted us to talk about the good stuff. Asked her to clarify why she thinks we've shown no resolve in leaving the past in the past. Also said we would not send her anymore emails when we melty. Her reply was "good". And then that she looked forward to talking more and wasn't mad at us. (Someone asked that). And that she would like to hear more about the positive stuff. She didn't answer or acknowledge our question about why she thinks we not trying to leave the past in the past.
And maybe it's just a massive misunderstanding. Or maybe we are lying to ourselves at such a deep level that none of us have a clue. Either way, it sort of makes therapy with her feel pointless. If it's a massive understanding... I mean... after all this time I guess she doesn't know us anymore. (And why did she make assumptions without asking questions - regarding the body/fatigue?). Or we aren't even trying and she can't help us. And, maybe we are being an asshole, but after that massive email from her, the short reply to us wasn't good enough. Not when there's been so much misunderstanding. My next session is 12/24. I'm tempted to cancel that, and go the first January session and just end things. I am trying not to be reactive and I've been with her so long, I don't want to just throw things away. At the same time. Right now my trust for her is at an all time low. And then that sneaking voice comes wondering if we've lost our mind and our completely deceiving ourselves.
She was a bit inconsistent in her availability for scheduling and communication but she had a lot going on. I got it. It wasn't too bad so I just moved on. And this summer it felt like I'd made a lot of progress and was doing the best I had in years (decades?). We went to once a month. And then things started to fall apart for me. I crashed. And she was still a bit inconsistent in her communication and availability. And there was a point where she'd said we could talk and asked my schedule and said in worst case we could briefly touch base over the weekend. And then she didn't respond to my email about my availability and talking and diidn't follow up and nothing happened. So a protector came out and said she'd been a little flaky.
T will insist that didn't upset her and she's been very honest with us, but this is one point where we don't believe her. Partially because at one point she did say the comment was a bit triggering. Partially because of her tone of voice. And I feel really bad. What we said, we didn't mean as the criticism it came out as. We have flaky friends. We are flaky. We are comfortable with flaky. Anyway, T and us talked a lot about this and it seemed like we worked things out. It was a hard process. One of the comments she made, that we tried to let go of but obviously stuck is how much money she could have been making if I was a full paying client. She said that in the context of making us understand that if this isn't working for us, then it doesn't make sense to continue? (something like that). And to show how dedicated she is to us. And we know that. We know she's been super helpful and giving and we deeply appreciate that.
But problems with scheduling have persisted. And maybe we haven't been as pushy about that as possible because we are the client who is basically not paying. We have brought it up multiple times and asked to be put on a cancel list. And she has been less responsive to emails. But she had another surgery so that's understandable. So we've been maybe holding back some. And maybe we haven't been communicating what we should have done. So we sent her an email when we were super melty.
The reply we got back and it's thrown us for a loop. She told us she can't help us. Said that several times. She said we have shown no resolve in us to separate the past from the present. That we don't care about our insiders. That similar to someone who is drinking or doing drugs, we are doing stuff that is harmful and makes therapy ineffective. Etc. And .... either her current perception of us is way off or our perception of us is way off.
I mean, it wasn't like nothing she said is true. We haven't stopped feeling the impact of anniversaries. It;s gotten better though. We do still sometimes talk about past stuff (I thought that's what therapy was for?). We were engaging in unhealthy bdsm behavior that was replaying old stuff. We stopped that and have been transitioning to a healthier kink life-style. And we've expressed questions and concerns about that, because it has been only unhealthy for us in the past. But we've also shared progress and healing experiences with T. And it seemed like T was supportive of that. We had slipped into not eating enough again. That's true. In the last session though, we had agreed to work on that and have. She mentioned us intentionally not sleeping or resting and I don't even know where the f*ck she's gotten that except we've been talking about issues with fatigue for months now. We also mentioned multiple times setting up an appointment with the psych nurse to try meds again.She never once responded to that. We did finally do it (next week is the appointment). And that's one of the steps we are trying to take to see if the fatigue is depression or something else. Taking care of the body is one of the biggest ways we have changed. I guess T hasn't realized that. And the comment about the insiders hurt the most. Because the last session was all about the insiders. And we spent time creating a hiding space for everyone. That's what T wanted and we did it. Some in session and more later. We sent her an email after that about how it helped and we were working on making hiding spaces for everyone. So to get that comment from her really hurt. Like what we worked on didn't matter.
So we sent an email back to her going into the things we do to take care of the body. How we've been talking about fatigue for ages and that we had gone to the doctor to rule out continued sinus infection issues and had scheduled a psych nurse appointment. Pointed out that much of the time in our emails to her and in session, we been talking about current stuff- work, our dog, covid, and the bdsm. That the present is a huge part of our life. Said how we talk to her about the struggles because we thought that's what therapy was for. Asked if she wanted us to talk about the good stuff. Asked her to clarify why she thinks we've shown no resolve in leaving the past in the past. Also said we would not send her anymore emails when we melty. Her reply was "good". And then that she looked forward to talking more and wasn't mad at us. (Someone asked that). And that she would like to hear more about the positive stuff. She didn't answer or acknowledge our question about why she thinks we not trying to leave the past in the past.
And maybe it's just a massive misunderstanding. Or maybe we are lying to ourselves at such a deep level that none of us have a clue. Either way, it sort of makes therapy with her feel pointless. If it's a massive understanding... I mean... after all this time I guess she doesn't know us anymore. (And why did she make assumptions without asking questions - regarding the body/fatigue?). Or we aren't even trying and she can't help us. And, maybe we are being an asshole, but after that massive email from her, the short reply to us wasn't good enough. Not when there's been so much misunderstanding. My next session is 12/24. I'm tempted to cancel that, and go the first January session and just end things. I am trying not to be reactive and I've been with her so long, I don't want to just throw things away. At the same time. Right now my trust for her is at an all time low. And then that sneaking voice comes wondering if we've lost our mind and our completely deceiving ourselves.