Childhood Half-baked Idea- Asking For Opinions

[Autumn76]

I've been writing and rewriting this for close to a week not sure how to put my idea into written word in a way to make it understood and without having to give the whole back story.

Mine and my cousins abuser from childhood wants to talk to make herself feel better, I don't want to talk to her or have anything to do with her, he has to see her on a weekly basis because they are in the same area but I live 2,000 miles away. He is getting desperate for me to talk to her so she will leave him alone. Apparently she didn't even want to talk to him until she wanted to clean her conscience and now she's driving him nuts. He's gone back to drinking and when he gets drunk he messages me begging for me to talk to her and gave me her address and phone number.

Here's the half-baked idea. I write her a letter telling her what I think of her, the damage she had done, how she doesn't have a place in my life, and how I was just fine until my cousin started telling me how she wants to talk, then not put my return address on it and mail it from another town. My new t said she doesn't see how it would be at all beneficial but at the same time wouldn't hurt me. Thoughts?

 

[Justmehere]

I think making your boundary clear in writing to your abuser would be a good idea. I would keep it very simple and short, and be sure to not mail it from the city you live in. I would be very clear that she needs to not ask your cousin to speak for her. I would mention that if she contacts you again after you send that letter, you can call the police and pursue harassment charges.

It may not change anything. Your cousin may continue to beg you to contact her, for his own sake. For his sake, you may need to tell him you can't be in his life until he gets sober and gets into therapy himself.

It could also backfire in ways we don't know, but I think it may be worth a shot.

 

[Autumn76]

Thank you for you thoughts, really appreciate it. :)

Have to admit I was hoping to hear that the small contact may make her leave him alone.

 

[Intrepid]

Three way interactions like this are tough since abusers can be really good at using people against each other. Your cousin's interactions with the abuser are not your responsibility, unless you are doing something to force the issue, which doesn't sound like is happening.

I grew up with trying to make things right between my abuser and my brothers, which ultimately meant I took on all of the abuse and the responsibility for how she interacted with others. I don't think I had much of a choice, being dependent on the abuser, but if I had a choice, and my current understanding, I would have gotten away from her and found the safety I needed. I really couldn't do anything for others without sacrificing myself.

I think if you open the door even with a letter that cannot be tracked back to directly, you are still taking a risk that won't pay off. There is no way it will help your cousin, unless the abuser has by some miracle changed and is now a different person who wants to honestly address the harm done in the past.

 

[digger]

If you do send the letter, I'd say do it for yourself rather than for any hopes or expectations you have for how it may or may not improve your cousin's situation. While it's admirable that you want to help him too, choosing and keeping your own boundaries is really important as well.

Another option might be to help your cousin take steps to protect himself against her. Living in the same area doesn't necessarily mean he is obliged to have more contact with her than he wants to. Perhaps you could look at ways he could legally stop her harassing him. If he then chooses to continue to have contact with her that is his choice and he needs to respect that you are making a different choice.

There may be some therapeutic benefit to you though in writing the letter, without the pressure to actually send it, in terms of clarifying and processing the affect the abuse had on you and how you feel about it.

 

[digger]

Also meant to say, I think you need to consider that it may have the opposite effect to the one you're hoping for. She may view the response from you as a reason to step up the pressure on your cousin to get you to respond further.

 

[Justmehere]

Have to admit I was hoping to hear that the small contact may make her leave him alone.

Yeah, I can understand that.

The thing is, she has spent a lifetime not respecting boundaries and is clearly trying triangulate and manipulate even now.

It may take some serious enforcement of boundaries to get her to back off from you and your cousin. Maybe this is an opportunity for you to show your cousin it's ok to say "No, get out of my life" - and that he needs to respect your decision, your clear no, just as much as she does. Perhaps sending him a copy of the letter may be helpful. Yes, she is pressuring him, but that doesn't give him the right, drunk or abused or not, to invade your boundary that you will not have contact with her.

I agree with @digger that you might get more of what you both want if your cousin gets more support and help to deal with her.

I think this actually may be mroe about enforcing the boundary with him, than it is sending a letter with her. He has the choice to see her or not, he really does (short of a court order or something). He can say no. It may hurt, it may lead to cost on him, but he still has the choice. His choice is his. He needs to learn to respect that you have said no to her. That is your decision.

For his sake, as much as for your own sake, I think it may be a really good idea to actually focus on setting and holding the boundary with him that you don't want any more requests from him to speak to her.

I know you feel protective of him, but for his own sake, he needs to protect himself from her now. You can't do it for him. You can't. That might be one of the hardest things about this.

I'm so sorry you are both dealing with this. :hug:

 

[Autumn76]

@digger as part of my therapy I have written her at least a dozen letters, none of which got mailed and they all got burned. I hadn't thought of her pushing for further contact. I know for a fact she hasn't changed.

@Justmehere you're right I do need to set boundaries with him but I'm afraid to, he's been what I would call delicate. We usually talk on Friday night so if he brings it up tonight I'll give it a shot and talk to him about what he can do.

 

[Autumn76]

I almost wonder if my cousin is on here. I was all set to set boundaries and everything last night and he never called or texted.